5 Creepiest Kid Shows Ever

A lot of shows for children will try to sneak in some jokes for parents to make it tolerable. But, sometimes kids shows are just plain creepy. Here's a list of the five creepiest kid's shows I could find.


Number 5 - Jay Jay the Jet Plane 

Originally airing in 1998, the series was re-released in 2001 and 2005. It features anthropomorphic planes, the main character being Jay Jay. There's just something unsettling about a plane that is self-aware allowing a bunch of humans to board it.



Number 4 -  Lazy Town

I've actually watched this one a few times, and I have to say, it seems like it's more for adults. It began airing in 2004 until around 2012, with a hiatus. It has strong pedophilic overtones; the main character is a young girl (that might be a short adult in real life) named Stephanie that tries to help the citizens of Lazy Town get in shape. The hero is a much older man named Sportacus, that does sports stuff. The villain is another much older man named Robbie Rotten, who does various things to try to spoil Stephanie and Sportacus's plans, but in the creepiest ways possible.





Number 3 - Oobi

Airing from 2004-2007, this is about a family of hands with eyes and hair, the titular character being Oobi, an elementary school hand. The hands speak like cavemen, saying as few words as possible. The way they talk combined with the way they look makes them seem like some sort of giant mutant hand race.





Number 2 - The High Fructose Adventures of Annoying Orange

This is based off of an internet series, so straight off you know it's going to be weird. Nothing normal ever came out of the internet. It aired from 2012 to 2014 and is about a bunch of fruit living in a supermarket. There's one human that can talk to them, but everyone dismisses him as crazy. That part of the concept alone is some dark stuff for a kid's show, but it gets weirder. The fruit face such adversaries as: alien broccoli, zombie vegetables, and an every-now-and-then antagonistic grapefruit. All while that poor human watches in stunned silence.

Number 1 - Boohbah

A British show originally airing from 2003 to 2005, this seems to be kind of similar to Teletubbies, but creepier. First off, the boobah's head/neck area looks like foreskin. They're all different colors and they dance around and say "boobah"and there are bright lights and stuff. But, they're creepy looking and creepy sounding. They also have dolls that look like them in stores.

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5 More Things I Learned as a New Mom

Here's five more things I learned as a new mom. Pretty soon, I'll have to change the title to just 5 Things I Learned as a Mom!

Number 5 - You're Already Proud of Them

Every little thing they do makes you proud. When they roll over, when they stand, when they babble, everything. Even things they have no control over, like their teeth, are big deals.








Number 4 - If You Don't Like It, Neither Do They

This one is kind of common sense, but it still can take getting used to. If it's too hot for you, it's too hot for them, same with cold. Pretty self-explanatory.






Number 3 - You Don't Need Any Fancy Products

These days, there are all sorts of silly products out there for parents, as I've written twice before. Things to mix formula, to warm wipes, to vibrate and "calm and soothe." None of that stuff is needed. Women in the fifties didn't have any newfangled gadgets, and they did just fine.  While it may be more convenient, it's by no means necessary.




Number 2 - Sometimes They Just Have to Cry It Out

Sometimes, there's just nothing wrong and they're still crying. In that case, it's usually best to just let them cry it out. You may feel guilty about it, but sometimes you have to. For your sanity and for their own good.





Number 1 - If Your Kid Will Play Quietly, Take Advantage!

This is another one you may feel guilty about, but if they will sit there and play quietly by themselves, don't feel bad about going to take a shower, or reading a book, or anything. You need time to you and time alone is good for them, too. A baby will tell you when they have to have attention (and sometimes you have to let them cry), if they aren't begging for it, don't feel guilty about taking time for you.

13 More of the Most Ridiculous Products for Children/Parents

Here's 13 more products that will have you asking, "Why?"

Number 13 - Rockabye Baby! Lullaby Renditions of Nirvana

Playing your baby normal Nirvana will not hurt them. Although, Kurt Cobain is pretty terrible... Nirvana isn't they only band that they've "rendered", though. There are 179 Rockabye Baby! albums, with everything from Queen to Jay-Z. So, for like 20 bucks, your baby can listen to fake Michael Jackson.







Number 12 - HippMama

This is an awesome idea. But, you look like a giant tool wearing it. I think the only way I would get this is if it came in Batman utility belt style.








Number 11 - Intelligender

Look people, if you want to flush $30 away, you can send it to me. Seriously, I'll tell you where to send it.








Number 10 - Poop Alarm

This is a little thingy that sticks in the side of the baby's diaper and makes noise when the baby poops or pees. Let this sink in for a moment. For hundreds of years (or however long diapers have been around), parents have known when their babies need to be changed. They didn't have to pay $40 for an alarm that lets them know when the baby shits. Plus, it's sticking in the diaper, wouldn't it get poo on it?

Number 9 - Potty Time Reminder Watch

Maybe I should just quit writing about potty-training tools since I'm not at that stage with Dahlia yet, but this just seems silly. It's not over-priced or anything. I just feel like if your kid is old enough to use a watch, they should be old enough to remember not to piss themselves. But, like I said, I don't know.






Number 8 - TV Timer BOB

This is another one for those lazy parents out there. A quote from the website, "No more 'Turn off that TV!' arguments." Really? Is this really an argument? There are kids out there arguing with their parents about shutting off the TV? Maybe it's just my mom, but if I had argued with her about it, I would've been spanked and she would have turned the TV off. If I turned it back on, I wouldn't have been surprised if she cut the power cord. If you have control of your kids, you won't have to buy something silly like this.

Number 7 - FingerGuard

What the hell. $75 for a piece of plastic to cover your kids fingers so they don't suck on them anymore. You can get a bottle of hot sauce for like, 2 bucks and you can almost guarantee the kid won't do it too many more times.







Number 6 - Morning Chicness Bags

Now you can vomit into a cute little bag! Are there actually women out there buying this? I can speak from experience, a Big Gulp cup works just as well and is only 79 cents.





Number 5 - Baby Coffee Machine

This is like a little Keurig Single Cup for baby formula. It brews your baby formula. I guess mixing the powder and water is just too pedestrian now. This is big in Switzerland and France, but I'm sure it's just a matter of time before lazy American moms get their hands on it. For roughly $265 USD, I'll stick with my Enfamil powder, thank you.




Number 4 - The Poche Suit

 This is a pair of footie pajamas that has a bunch of little pockets for your hands on it. Notice the father's hands in the picture? I could see how this thing could come in handy, but it seems dangerous and unnecessary. Just carry your kid like a normal person. It's got buttons like a regular pair of footie pajamas. I feel like if the baby slips and the fabric doesn't rip, the buttons will pop open and your kid will crack their head on the ground.

Number 3 - Bacon Baby Infant Formula

An April Fool's joke by J&D's, this product was featured to purchase on quite a few websites and people fell for it. It's not real, but if it were, knowing the stupidity of people, there would be a baby somewhere being fed this stuff. 'Merica.





Number 2 - The Breast Milk Baby - Breastfeeding Doll

Seriously, what the hell, man. This is a baby that suckles when you put it up to this special shirt that has flower nipples on it. Flower nipples. Your daughter (or your son, I guess) would put this to her flower nipple shirt and this fake baby will suckle on it. Ew. I'm not against breastfeeding, but there's just something wrong about this. I can't put it into words, but it's wrong.



Number 1 - MommyMilk Creations

The white hearts are the breast milk.

These are gross. They're pretty, but gross. Pretty gross. Basically, you ship this random person your breast milk and they do some stuff to it and send it back to you in some jewelry. It just creeps me out.

12 Creepiest Toys for Kids or Babies

Sometimes I wonder if toy makers think at all before putting a toy on the market. Some kids will notice the unnerving things about these toys straight off, here's the 12 creepiest toys for kids or babies.

Number 12 - Barbie and Tanner The Dog

On the surface, there's nothing wrong with this. But then you look closer and notice that this playset includes food for Tanner the dog, there's little brown pellets in his bowl. But, then you notice some other brown pellets on the right side of the picture. Tanner is a pooping toy dog. Because Tanner is a pooping toy dog, he can't digest things. Meaning what goes in is the same as what comes out. You literally feed this dog it's shit and it poops it back out. Next thing you know, your kid is running around trying to shove turds in the dog's face. Not good for anyone involved.



Number 11 - Erwin the Little Patient

This thing is actually kind of cute. But, what's up with the huge skin flap? And it's nose is bothersome. Really, it's entire face.









Number 10 - Growing Up Skipper

This was on the market in 1974. You twist her arm one way, she gets taller and boobs spring out. You twist her arm the other way, the boobs disappear and she gets short again. The creepiest part is the lettering on the box: "Cute, little girl!" "Tall, curvy teenager!" I don't even know.







Number 9 - Pre-Chewed Pencils

For real. I have questions. Who chews the pencils? Why don't they have any erasers? Who would pay $1.98 USD (plus shipping) for 4 pencils? (Obviously, this isn't specifically for kids, but cut me some slack.)




Number 8 - Pregnant Barbie

I don't think this is "inappropriate." I think there is no right way to make a pregnant doll, so you just shouldn't do it. It looks weird. But, offensive? No. Just really weird.









Number 7 - Hugo Man of a Thousand Faces

The creepiness of this thing speaks for itself. The dead eyes, hollow cheeks, and hairlessness are too much. It doesn't look any better dressed up, either.




Number 6 - Baby Laugh A Lot

This doll isn't so much visually scary as it is audibly. Just watch.

Number 5 - E.T. Finger Light 

Let's just go ahead and get this out of the way; this looks like a dick. I realize it's old and blah, blah, blah. But, I could not let my kid play with this. I would lose it every time I saw them, then I'd have to explain why I was laughing. It's just too much to get into over a "finger light." How did moms in the 80s deal with their kids wanting this?



Number 4 - Singamajigs

With it's super dilated eyes and suggestively puckered mouth, this could either be someone who just took ecstasy, or someone that died eating a lemon. Either way, it's unsettling. What is the big one doing to the little one? Holding it hostage? They're both screaming, but the little one looks particularly desperate.






Number 3 - Be A Doll

It's as if there's a tiny version of you running around that is, of course, evil. I don't like it. If you had an identical vestigial twin that you just removed, but now it can walk about and commit mischief and it hates you for the way you've treated it over the years, so now it's coming to get you in your sleep - that's this.


Number 2 - Zaky Infant Pillow

Oh man, these are super creepy disembodied hands that are for cradling your infant. Although, it would be kinda cool if they re-marketed it as Thing from the Addams Family.











Number 1 - Face Bank

This is what Nietzsche meant when he said, "And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you." This bank eats your money and your soul. It has a built in heat sensor, so when you put your hand (or anything warm) in front of it, the mouth starts moving. As if it isn't creepy enough without moving parts. See it in action:

Don't feed it your change, that's what it wants!

15 Most Ridiculous Products for Children/Parents

Some of the products in the list were created because of laziness, some to be more efficient, and some out of just plain vanity, but all are ridiculous and unnecessary (and a few are particularly disgusting). This goes to show that John Bridges was right when he said, "A fool and his money are soon parted." If, god forbid, you wish to buy any of these very real products, clicking the title will lead you right to the product page.

Number 15 - Baba Buddy

This kid looks super happy.

I'm just going to say it, this is for lazy moms. If you don't have multiple children to bottle feed all at once, there is no reason for this. I'll admit, I have propped a blanket under Dahlia's bottle a few times so I could do something or other, but you shouldn't be doing this enough to warrant an actual thingy! That aside, what if they choke? And, it's $30.00!! I don't want anyone to think I'm judging (like I said, I've propped bottles, believe me), but little babies need to eat about every two hours, older about every four, etc. It's not like they eat, then an hour later start screaming for food again (not all the time, anyway). So, you can plan your life around feeding your child. I mean, are you honestly so busy that you can't set aside the 30-45 minutes it takes to do that? Maybe you are, I don't know anyone's life. I just know I plan my day according to Dahlia, because that's what parents do.

Number 14 - Peekaru

If Kane and the Chestburster became friends.

This is a great idea, but you look ridiculous wearing it. I guess the company is going for the whole kangaroo thing, but instead it just looks like you're trying to smuggle a child that managed to chew it's way out of your sweater. You're paying $65.00 to look silly. I can get one of Ben's hoodies and cut a hole right there for free!

Number 13 - Baby Lasso

This thing just makes it easier for the kid to kick you in the boobs repeatedly. Why would anyone buy this? It's $10.00! You could just get a scarf and tie it to the baby's ankles, if you really wanted to.  I just don't know what else to say, it's senseless.

Number 12 - Peter Potty

First off, Peter Potty! hahahahahahaha Please tell me they did that on purpose! Anyway, I don't know really anything about potty training boys, but it seems to me like the toilet would be fine. Maybe there's more clean-up involved. I have no clue. Unfortunately, the real Peter Potty is discontinued, but they replaced it with a penguin, because apparently pissing into a penguin is better. Just never take your kid to the zoo. 

Number 11 - The Daddle

Sexual connotations aside (look at the reviews if it isn't immediately obvious to you), by the time Dad gets this damn thing strapped on, the kid will have found something else to do. And it's useless once they grow up, you can't strap it to a real horse. Also, it's $45.00. I suppose it could be a cute gag gift, but an expensive one.

Number 10 - Baby by Tous

Baby. Perfume. What the hell. Just give your baby a bath, people! And at $40.00 a bottle, it's more expensive than my perfume! 

Number 9 - Time Out Pad

See, this just turns time out into a game. It's pressure sensitive and has an alarm in case your kid moves. If they were smart enough, they could pull an Indiana Jones, rendering the time out pad ineffective. Maybe that's why it's no longer available? But, like the Peter Potty, they have other versions available.

Number 8 - Nosefrida

Ew. While I'm sure this is super effective, it looks absolutely disgusting. What if snot goes in your mouth? I would probably puke on the baby. Anything that could possibly lead to a Stand By Me pie-eating contest situation is never good. Plus, babies hate nasal aspirators. One that looks like a straw may foster an unhealthy fear and/or hatred of straws. How would your child enjoy milkshakes?

Number 7 - Why Cry

I don't even know where to begin, I guess that old reliable complaint- price. This damn thing is $80.00! To tell you why a baby, that only cries for like four reasons (pain, hunger, exhaustion, diaper), is crying. Outrageous. If you check all of these things by burping your baby, feeding them, or changing them, and they're still crying, let them cry. Sometimes, they just need to cry it out. By constantly picking them up and trying to soothe them, you're coddling and spoiling them.

Number 6 - Heelarious

I shit you not, these are heels for your baby. Granted, the heels collapse under weight, they're meant for 0-6 month olds, not walking. But, I feel like everyone's in too much of a hurry to grow up. Babies don't need high heels (especially slutty-looking ones), they should be wearing little booties and socks, just being cute! On the website, the heels themselves are "retired styles," but they do have some cowboy boots that, admittedly, are awfully cute.

Number 5 - Babikinis

Another case of parents not dressing kids age appropriately, these are bikinis for your baby. The smallest size is for 7-12 month olds. I'm not sure when I feel bikinis are appropriate, honestly, but I definitely know it's not one year old or under. And, again, more expensive than my own, going for around $30.

Number 4 - The Windi

From the same people that made the snot sucker, you stick this up your baby's butt. The people at FridaBaby are just out to traumatize your children by sticking things in their orifices. But, for real, is your baby's gas really that bad? I truly hope the people purchasing this product are first trying things differently on the other end of the baby before sticking things willy-nilly up their kid's ass. They make gas-reducing bottles and formula, and there's always burping! I mean, sticking anything up anyone's butt should always be the absolute last resort, after all other options have been exhausted. A good rule of thumb for babies; if you wouldn't like it done to you, they wouldn't like it done to them. And sometimes, even if you do like it, they don't. So, putting anything in a baby's butt (especially if it's "long enough to reach past the muscle that prevents the release of the gas"), is the last thing you should be doing.

Number 3 - Kickbee
In the rankings for most useless yet annoying product, this one is high up there. This thing sends a "tweet" every time your baby kicks you. Holy shit, if I had had this when I was pregnant, it would've been constantly tweeting. It's even got options to send text messages every time the baby kicks. Who would even want to know?? I mean, when I was pregnant, I didn't call Ben every time Dahlia kicked me and I didn't come home and say, "She kicked me 107 times today." Who does that?

Number 2 - Baby Bangs

I've found a lot of products on this list have me asking, "why?" But, this one in particular has me perplexed. Why in the world would you do this to your child? I'll be the first one to say that bald babies can be kind of ugly, but they'll grow out of it! Plus, it's $30. What are you going to tell your kid when they get older? "Sorry, Suzie, you were actually born bald. You were just so damn ugly we had to get you a wig." Why, America? Why?

Number 1 - Placenta Teddy Bear

This is possibly one of the most disgusting things ever. Obviously, it's a DIY project. The product that you purchase (other than the ingredients needed), is this book of crafts for kids. It's supposed to be a "sustainable" toy for your kid, as in environmentally friendly. Would you really want your kids to play with this? Better yet, would you really want to build this? Here's an outline of the instructions: "The placenta must be cut in half and rubbed with sea salt to cure it. After it is dried out, it is treated with an emulsifying mixture of tannin and egg yolk to make it soft and pliable. Then, you craft it into a teddy bear." Eeeww.

5 Vintage Medicines that Prove Doctors Hated Children

It used to be that children were supposed to be seen and not heard. Obviously, the doctors of yore really subscribed to that. These vintage medicines prove that doctors felt the only good child was an unconscious one.

Number 5 - Cocaine Toothache Drops

This ad, published in 1885, is for cocaine toothache drops, commonly used for teething children. Nowadays, all we have is Orajel...






Number 4 - Victor Infant's Relief

Introduced in 1910, this "medicine" claims to be for looseness of bowel. It contains Cannabis indica, nitre extract, and chloroform. You ingest it. Chloroform. For your kids.








Number 3 - Stickney and Poor's Pure Paregoric

This product, introduced around 1899, contains alcohol (46%, making it 92 proof) and opium. It has a dosage chart for children as young as five days old. Use of this product and products like it contributed to infant mortality rates. The babies had no hunger pains and they would die from malnutrition. It was called "The Poor Baby's Nurse."


Number 2 - Bayer's Heroin Syrup

The headline reads, "The cough disappears." Running between 1910 and 1912 in Spanish newspapers, these advertisements urged parents to dose children suffering from coughs, colds, and "irritation." So, basically, if your kid is being an asshole, give them some heroin!







Number 1 - Blatz Beer

Published in 1916, this ad espoused the benefits of malt to a breastfeeding baby. "The malt in the beer supplies nourishing qualities that are essential at this time and the hops act as an appetizing, stimulating, tonic." For real. They wanted moms to get drunk and breastfeed their babies.