15 Most Ridiculous Products for Children/Parents

Some of the products in the list were created because of laziness, some to be more efficient, and some out of just plain vanity, but all are ridiculous and unnecessary (and a few are particularly disgusting). This goes to show that John Bridges was right when he said, "A fool and his money are soon parted." If, god forbid, you wish to buy any of these very real products, clicking the title will lead you right to the product page.

Number 15 - Baba Buddy

This kid looks super happy.

I'm just going to say it, this is for lazy moms. If you don't have multiple children to bottle feed all at once, there is no reason for this. I'll admit, I have propped a blanket under Dahlia's bottle a few times so I could do something or other, but you shouldn't be doing this enough to warrant an actual thingy! That aside, what if they choke? And, it's $30.00!! I don't want anyone to think I'm judging (like I said, I've propped bottles, believe me), but little babies need to eat about every two hours, older about every four, etc. It's not like they eat, then an hour later start screaming for food again (not all the time, anyway). So, you can plan your life around feeding your child. I mean, are you honestly so busy that you can't set aside the 30-45 minutes it takes to do that? Maybe you are, I don't know anyone's life. I just know I plan my day according to Dahlia, because that's what parents do.

Number 14 - Peekaru

If Kane and the Chestburster became friends.

This is a great idea, but you look ridiculous wearing it. I guess the company is going for the whole kangaroo thing, but instead it just looks like you're trying to smuggle a child that managed to chew it's way out of your sweater. You're paying $65.00 to look silly. I can get one of Ben's hoodies and cut a hole right there for free!

Number 13 - Baby Lasso

This thing just makes it easier for the kid to kick you in the boobs repeatedly. Why would anyone buy this? It's $10.00! You could just get a scarf and tie it to the baby's ankles, if you really wanted to.  I just don't know what else to say, it's senseless.

Number 12 - Peter Potty

First off, Peter Potty! hahahahahahaha Please tell me they did that on purpose! Anyway, I don't know really anything about potty training boys, but it seems to me like the toilet would be fine. Maybe there's more clean-up involved. I have no clue. Unfortunately, the real Peter Potty is discontinued, but they replaced it with a penguin, because apparently pissing into a penguin is better. Just never take your kid to the zoo. 

Number 11 - The Daddle

Sexual connotations aside (look at the reviews if it isn't immediately obvious to you), by the time Dad gets this damn thing strapped on, the kid will have found something else to do. And it's useless once they grow up, you can't strap it to a real horse. Also, it's $45.00. I suppose it could be a cute gag gift, but an expensive one.

Number 10 - Baby by Tous

Baby. Perfume. What the hell. Just give your baby a bath, people! And at $40.00 a bottle, it's more expensive than my perfume! 

Number 9 - Time Out Pad

See, this just turns time out into a game. It's pressure sensitive and has an alarm in case your kid moves. If they were smart enough, they could pull an Indiana Jones, rendering the time out pad ineffective. Maybe that's why it's no longer available? But, like the Peter Potty, they have other versions available.

Number 8 - Nosefrida

Ew. While I'm sure this is super effective, it looks absolutely disgusting. What if snot goes in your mouth? I would probably puke on the baby. Anything that could possibly lead to a Stand By Me pie-eating contest situation is never good. Plus, babies hate nasal aspirators. One that looks like a straw may foster an unhealthy fear and/or hatred of straws. How would your child enjoy milkshakes?

Number 7 - Why Cry

I don't even know where to begin, I guess that old reliable complaint- price. This damn thing is $80.00! To tell you why a baby, that only cries for like four reasons (pain, hunger, exhaustion, diaper), is crying. Outrageous. If you check all of these things by burping your baby, feeding them, or changing them, and they're still crying, let them cry. Sometimes, they just need to cry it out. By constantly picking them up and trying to soothe them, you're coddling and spoiling them.

Number 6 - Heelarious

I shit you not, these are heels for your baby. Granted, the heels collapse under weight, they're meant for 0-6 month olds, not walking. But, I feel like everyone's in too much of a hurry to grow up. Babies don't need high heels (especially slutty-looking ones), they should be wearing little booties and socks, just being cute! On the website, the heels themselves are "retired styles," but they do have some cowboy boots that, admittedly, are awfully cute.

Number 5 - Babikinis

Another case of parents not dressing kids age appropriately, these are bikinis for your baby. The smallest size is for 7-12 month olds. I'm not sure when I feel bikinis are appropriate, honestly, but I definitely know it's not one year old or under. And, again, more expensive than my own, going for around $30.

Number 4 - The Windi

From the same people that made the snot sucker, you stick this up your baby's butt. The people at FridaBaby are just out to traumatize your children by sticking things in their orifices. But, for real, is your baby's gas really that bad? I truly hope the people purchasing this product are first trying things differently on the other end of the baby before sticking things willy-nilly up their kid's ass. They make gas-reducing bottles and formula, and there's always burping! I mean, sticking anything up anyone's butt should always be the absolute last resort, after all other options have been exhausted. A good rule of thumb for babies; if you wouldn't like it done to you, they wouldn't like it done to them. And sometimes, even if you do like it, they don't. So, putting anything in a baby's butt (especially if it's "long enough to reach past the muscle that prevents the release of the gas"), is the last thing you should be doing.

Number 3 - Kickbee
In the rankings for most useless yet annoying product, this one is high up there. This thing sends a "tweet" every time your baby kicks you. Holy shit, if I had had this when I was pregnant, it would've been constantly tweeting. It's even got options to send text messages every time the baby kicks. Who would even want to know?? I mean, when I was pregnant, I didn't call Ben every time Dahlia kicked me and I didn't come home and say, "She kicked me 107 times today." Who does that?

Number 2 - Baby Bangs

I've found a lot of products on this list have me asking, "why?" But, this one in particular has me perplexed. Why in the world would you do this to your child? I'll be the first one to say that bald babies can be kind of ugly, but they'll grow out of it! Plus, it's $30. What are you going to tell your kid when they get older? "Sorry, Suzie, you were actually born bald. You were just so damn ugly we had to get you a wig." Why, America? Why?

Number 1 - Placenta Teddy Bear

This is possibly one of the most disgusting things ever. Obviously, it's a DIY project. The product that you purchase (other than the ingredients needed), is this book of crafts for kids. It's supposed to be a "sustainable" toy for your kid, as in environmentally friendly. Would you really want your kids to play with this? Better yet, would you really want to build this? Here's an outline of the instructions: "The placenta must be cut in half and rubbed with sea salt to cure it. After it is dried out, it is treated with an emulsifying mixture of tannin and egg yolk to make it soft and pliable. Then, you craft it into a teddy bear." Eeeww.