Motherly Instinct

Motherly instinct is a crazy thing. It's something that you don't truly understand until you've experienced it, and it can be hard to explain. All animals have it, hence the expression, "never get between a mama bear and her cubs." Whenever your child is in the slightest amount of danger, you get this hot, sick, tight ball in the pit of your stomach. Once, when she slipped a little bit in Ben's hands, I almost vomited, I had to sit down. And if anything threatens her, I'll lose it. I have literally punched my cat in the head for hissing at her (he's okay, of course). You don't think clearly, you just react. My mom said that now that I'm older, the instinct isn't as strong for her. But, since Dahlia is only six months, it's still very strong. I think I would probably rip someone's face off for her. It can be a scary feeling and a sick feeling, but completely natural. What are your experiences with the motherly instinct? Men, have you experienced anything similar? Leave your responses in the comments below!

5 More Things I Learned as a New Mom

Here's five more things I learned as a new mom. Pretty soon, I'll have to change the title to just 5 Things I Learned as a Mom!

Number 5 - You're Already Proud of Them

Every little thing they do makes you proud. When they roll over, when they stand, when they babble, everything. Even things they have no control over, like their teeth, are big deals.








Number 4 - If You Don't Like It, Neither Do They

This one is kind of common sense, but it still can take getting used to. If it's too hot for you, it's too hot for them, same with cold. Pretty self-explanatory.






Number 3 - You Don't Need Any Fancy Products

These days, there are all sorts of silly products out there for parents, as I've written twice before. Things to mix formula, to warm wipes, to vibrate and "calm and soothe." None of that stuff is needed. Women in the fifties didn't have any newfangled gadgets, and they did just fine.  While it may be more convenient, it's by no means necessary.




Number 2 - Sometimes They Just Have to Cry It Out

Sometimes, there's just nothing wrong and they're still crying. In that case, it's usually best to just let them cry it out. You may feel guilty about it, but sometimes you have to. For your sanity and for their own good.





Number 1 - If Your Kid Will Play Quietly, Take Advantage!

This is another one you may feel guilty about, but if they will sit there and play quietly by themselves, don't feel bad about going to take a shower, or reading a book, or anything. You need time to you and time alone is good for them, too. A baby will tell you when they have to have attention (and sometimes you have to let them cry), if they aren't begging for it, don't feel guilty about taking time for you.

15 Most Ridiculous Products for Children/Parents

Some of the products in the list were created because of laziness, some to be more efficient, and some out of just plain vanity, but all are ridiculous and unnecessary (and a few are particularly disgusting). This goes to show that John Bridges was right when he said, "A fool and his money are soon parted." If, god forbid, you wish to buy any of these very real products, clicking the title will lead you right to the product page.

Number 15 - Baba Buddy

This kid looks super happy.

I'm just going to say it, this is for lazy moms. If you don't have multiple children to bottle feed all at once, there is no reason for this. I'll admit, I have propped a blanket under Dahlia's bottle a few times so I could do something or other, but you shouldn't be doing this enough to warrant an actual thingy! That aside, what if they choke? And, it's $30.00!! I don't want anyone to think I'm judging (like I said, I've propped bottles, believe me), but little babies need to eat about every two hours, older about every four, etc. It's not like they eat, then an hour later start screaming for food again (not all the time, anyway). So, you can plan your life around feeding your child. I mean, are you honestly so busy that you can't set aside the 30-45 minutes it takes to do that? Maybe you are, I don't know anyone's life. I just know I plan my day according to Dahlia, because that's what parents do.

Number 14 - Peekaru

If Kane and the Chestburster became friends.

This is a great idea, but you look ridiculous wearing it. I guess the company is going for the whole kangaroo thing, but instead it just looks like you're trying to smuggle a child that managed to chew it's way out of your sweater. You're paying $65.00 to look silly. I can get one of Ben's hoodies and cut a hole right there for free!

Number 13 - Baby Lasso

This thing just makes it easier for the kid to kick you in the boobs repeatedly. Why would anyone buy this? It's $10.00! You could just get a scarf and tie it to the baby's ankles, if you really wanted to.  I just don't know what else to say, it's senseless.

Number 12 - Peter Potty

First off, Peter Potty! hahahahahahaha Please tell me they did that on purpose! Anyway, I don't know really anything about potty training boys, but it seems to me like the toilet would be fine. Maybe there's more clean-up involved. I have no clue. Unfortunately, the real Peter Potty is discontinued, but they replaced it with a penguin, because apparently pissing into a penguin is better. Just never take your kid to the zoo. 

Number 11 - The Daddle

Sexual connotations aside (look at the reviews if it isn't immediately obvious to you), by the time Dad gets this damn thing strapped on, the kid will have found something else to do. And it's useless once they grow up, you can't strap it to a real horse. Also, it's $45.00. I suppose it could be a cute gag gift, but an expensive one.

Number 10 - Baby by Tous

Baby. Perfume. What the hell. Just give your baby a bath, people! And at $40.00 a bottle, it's more expensive than my perfume! 

Number 9 - Time Out Pad

See, this just turns time out into a game. It's pressure sensitive and has an alarm in case your kid moves. If they were smart enough, they could pull an Indiana Jones, rendering the time out pad ineffective. Maybe that's why it's no longer available? But, like the Peter Potty, they have other versions available.

Number 8 - Nosefrida

Ew. While I'm sure this is super effective, it looks absolutely disgusting. What if snot goes in your mouth? I would probably puke on the baby. Anything that could possibly lead to a Stand By Me pie-eating contest situation is never good. Plus, babies hate nasal aspirators. One that looks like a straw may foster an unhealthy fear and/or hatred of straws. How would your child enjoy milkshakes?

Number 7 - Why Cry

I don't even know where to begin, I guess that old reliable complaint- price. This damn thing is $80.00! To tell you why a baby, that only cries for like four reasons (pain, hunger, exhaustion, diaper), is crying. Outrageous. If you check all of these things by burping your baby, feeding them, or changing them, and they're still crying, let them cry. Sometimes, they just need to cry it out. By constantly picking them up and trying to soothe them, you're coddling and spoiling them.

Number 6 - Heelarious

I shit you not, these are heels for your baby. Granted, the heels collapse under weight, they're meant for 0-6 month olds, not walking. But, I feel like everyone's in too much of a hurry to grow up. Babies don't need high heels (especially slutty-looking ones), they should be wearing little booties and socks, just being cute! On the website, the heels themselves are "retired styles," but they do have some cowboy boots that, admittedly, are awfully cute.

Number 5 - Babikinis

Another case of parents not dressing kids age appropriately, these are bikinis for your baby. The smallest size is for 7-12 month olds. I'm not sure when I feel bikinis are appropriate, honestly, but I definitely know it's not one year old or under. And, again, more expensive than my own, going for around $30.

Number 4 - The Windi

From the same people that made the snot sucker, you stick this up your baby's butt. The people at FridaBaby are just out to traumatize your children by sticking things in their orifices. But, for real, is your baby's gas really that bad? I truly hope the people purchasing this product are first trying things differently on the other end of the baby before sticking things willy-nilly up their kid's ass. They make gas-reducing bottles and formula, and there's always burping! I mean, sticking anything up anyone's butt should always be the absolute last resort, after all other options have been exhausted. A good rule of thumb for babies; if you wouldn't like it done to you, they wouldn't like it done to them. And sometimes, even if you do like it, they don't. So, putting anything in a baby's butt (especially if it's "long enough to reach past the muscle that prevents the release of the gas"), is the last thing you should be doing.

Number 3 - Kickbee
In the rankings for most useless yet annoying product, this one is high up there. This thing sends a "tweet" every time your baby kicks you. Holy shit, if I had had this when I was pregnant, it would've been constantly tweeting. It's even got options to send text messages every time the baby kicks. Who would even want to know?? I mean, when I was pregnant, I didn't call Ben every time Dahlia kicked me and I didn't come home and say, "She kicked me 107 times today." Who does that?

Number 2 - Baby Bangs

I've found a lot of products on this list have me asking, "why?" But, this one in particular has me perplexed. Why in the world would you do this to your child? I'll be the first one to say that bald babies can be kind of ugly, but they'll grow out of it! Plus, it's $30. What are you going to tell your kid when they get older? "Sorry, Suzie, you were actually born bald. You were just so damn ugly we had to get you a wig." Why, America? Why?

Number 1 - Placenta Teddy Bear

This is possibly one of the most disgusting things ever. Obviously, it's a DIY project. The product that you purchase (other than the ingredients needed), is this book of crafts for kids. It's supposed to be a "sustainable" toy for your kid, as in environmentally friendly. Would you really want your kids to play with this? Better yet, would you really want to build this? Here's an outline of the instructions: "The placenta must be cut in half and rubbed with sea salt to cure it. After it is dried out, it is treated with an emulsifying mixture of tannin and egg yolk to make it soft and pliable. Then, you craft it into a teddy bear." Eeeww.

10 Great Things About Pregnancy

Everything has a silver lining, and not everything about my pregnancy was awful. While I wouldn't want to be pregnant again anytime soon, here's a list of the ten greatest things about my pregnancy. Some of the points were in the sister post, 10 Terrible Things About Pregnancy. Life is funny like that, sometimes.

Number 10 - Preferred Parking

Unfortunately, I didn't get to experience this myself. I discovered the "Expectant Mother" spot at Publix after I gave birth, of course. Murphy's law strikes again. But, if I had seen it before I gave birth, I'm sure it would have been awesome!





Number 9 - Doctor's Appointments

This is one of the ones that's both good and bad. The doctor's appointments are a good thing, too. Mostly because there isn't much more exciting than seeing the baby during the sonograms and hearing it's heart beat. Knowing that you're healthy is good, too, of course.

Number 8 - Worry
Another double-lister. The worry can be good, too. If you're worried about what you're eating and exposing yourself to, the baby has the potential to be healthier. It can also drive you to do more research and find out exactly what you're getting yourself into.




Number 7 - Having a Heightened Sense of Smell

This one definitely deserved a spot on the other list, as well. I can't tell you how many times I've choked on people's rank cologne (Spray and walk away, people!) But, having the super-smellies can be a good thing, too. For instance, you can smell if meat or milk has gone bad through the package. And no one can lie to you about whether they've been drinking... That's really about it, actually.


Number 6 - The Nesting Instinct

The nesting instinct is a powerful thing. And nothing satiates it more than folding baby clothes, painting, and building your own personal diaper arsenal. Seeing all that stuff for the future baby and being prepared can be a great feeling.









Number 5 - Cravings

Another double-lister, cravings can be awesome. You can eat whatever you want and it doesn't matter, you're pregnant! Granted, they can get a little weird (I craved cheese and Spanish olives once), but satisfying a pregnancy craving is really the only thing that matters to you at that moment.






Number 4 - People Cater to You

This is a good one. If you don't feel like getting up, ask someone else, they'll totally get it for you! When you're pregnant, you get to embrace your laziness. No one gets mad at you for sleeping all day, you're creating life! Live it up while you can.







Number 3 - Having an Irrefutable Excuse

This one kind of ties in with number 4. If you don't feel like doing something or going somewhere, you're pregnant, you really don't have to! Don't want to go to work? Call in, you're pregnant! Best. Excuse. Ever.







Number 2 - Feeling the Baby Kick

Like the chest-burster from Alien, you have something alive inside of you that wants out. Dahlia was channeling a Cossack dancer in utero. I swear that girl bruised my ribs. But, when it happens, you don't really mind. It helps you feel more connected to the baby and can definitely ease your worry that something's wrong.






Number 1 - Giving Birth

Now, I can't say that there is absolutely anything pleasant about the actual process of giving birth, but the aftermath is pretty great. Holding your baby for the first time (once you're completely conscious, that is) is the greatest feeling. It's pride, accomplishment, love, happiness, and just a little bit of sadness all rolled into one. Also, you know that feeling you get after you take a really big poop? It's that, too (for, real, I popped a blood vessel in my eye). But after that, prepare yourself for at least two months of nightly hell. As a side note, never ever ever google image "giving birth." It does not show what one might think. Shame on you, Internet.

First Post Ever: 10 Things I Learned as a New Mom

To start my blog off, I thought I would make a top ten list. My daughter, Dahlia, is 5 months old and I'm a first time mom. I've learned many things about myself and life in general since I donned my first pair of mom jeans; some sappy, some funny, and of course, some scary. Here's just a few:

Number 10 - Immunity to nasty things

Having a child raises your gross tolerance exponentially. I can change a diaper, get poop on my finger, wipe it off, and move on. Before, I would have immediately went to wash my hands. I've become so desensitized, I actually caught cat vomit in my hand once (he was going to puke on the bed). Having baby puke in your hair will change your outlook on life.







Number 9 -  Girls have adorable clothes 

Truth time. I wanted a boy. So, it was hard for me to get into girl mode when it came to clothes. The first couple of outfits I bought for Dahlia could've been considered unisex. When I went to the store, I would automatically gravitate towards the boy section and have to remind myself that the baby was a girl. I thought I would never like anything that she could wear, but surprisingly, that changed, too. While my tastes have a more retro vibe, I've came to terms with Dahlia's gender and the clothes that go with it.




Number 8 - No sleep? No big deal.
 I LOVE sleep. In Life Before Dahlia (henceforth known as LBD), I could sleep for 14 hours and still want to sleep longer. The first night after she was born, in the hospital, I realized just how little sleep humans need. After the 20 hours of labor, silly me didn't want the nurses to keep Dahlia in the nursery. I had to have my new baby with me. I think I got two hours of sleep that night. One of the most valuable lessons I've learned thus far? Sleep when the baby sleeps. I heard people tell me that in LBD and I just shrugged it off. But, it is the best piece of advice I have received.

Number 7 - Paranoia is a real thing

I think this is one of the worst things about being a new mom. You'll be lying there in bed, the baby in the crib, but you can't sleep because you are absolutely certain that the baby quit breathing. So, you get up, check, and of course, baby is still breathing. Whenever someone picks her up, I think they're going to drop her. Everyone is sick and contagious. There are kidnappers everywhere. Moms are paranoid about everything. I think this is one of those things that eases off with time, but never completely goes away.



Number 6 - The ability to tune anything out

You've seen this before. You're in a restaurant trying to enjoy your meal, when some set of asshole parents are just letting their little spawn scream. You think, " Don't they hear that?" The answer? No. They don't. As a stay at home mom, if I didn't learn to tune out screaming every once in a while, I would never shower or eat. Sometimes, babies cry for pretty much no reason. If there's nothing that can be done (i.e, feeding, diaper changing), you learn to tune them out to keep your sanity.

Number 5 - How much fun you have

If you would have told me a year ago that I could have fun with a baby, I might have laughed at you. But, sure enough, babies are fun as hell! Watching them discover all the new things around them is pretty entertaining. Making them taste things like lemons is also equally hilarious. I could spend hours making funny faces at her and watching her laugh. That's another thing, babies have THE cutest laughs.

Number 4 - Becoming Betty Crocker

In LBD, I wasn't exactly considered domesticated. Sure, I could cook and clean, but I wasn't in the running for Housewife of the Year. I had a job and worked 5 days a week. When I got home, I didn't feel like cooking dinner. But, becoming a stay at home mom changed all of that. Now, I want to look for new recipes and color swatches for new drapes. I could see myself being on the PTA and making Halloween costumes, ones that are more complicated than cutting two holes in a sheet. Becoming a mother makes you look forward to all of those little things like tying shoe laces and throwing birthday parties that don't feature liquor as the main course.


Number 3 - Paying attention to current events

I was never one for the news. I've always felt that I shouldn't become upset about something that I have no control over and the news is almost always upsetting. But now, I find myself reading articles about kidnappers and the recent string of hot-car deaths. Having a child made me more aware of the terrible things that happen to children in the world. Of course, watching the news also lends to the paranoia!




Number 2 - Patience

I almost made this number one because if there is anything I have learned, it's patience. In LBD, I wouldn't have tolerated someone screaming at me, puking on me, and then making me clean up their poop. But, patience is a virtue that I have finally gotten a little of.







Number 1 - Love

I never knew that I could love someone as much as I love Dahlia. Of course, I love my family and Dahlia's father, but that's a different kind of love, somehow. To love someone as fiercely and almost insanely as I love Dahlia is an entirely new experience. To be willing to give your life for another, that's some intense love.





Well, this concludes my very first post! I hope everyone enjoyed reading it enough to share it (hint, hint)! If anyone has anything to add to the list, feel free to comment below, and please stick around for more posts!