Motherly Instinct

Motherly instinct is a crazy thing. It's something that you don't truly understand until you've experienced it, and it can be hard to explain. All animals have it, hence the expression, "never get between a mama bear and her cubs." Whenever your child is in the slightest amount of danger, you get this hot, sick, tight ball in the pit of your stomach. Once, when she slipped a little bit in Ben's hands, I almost vomited, I had to sit down. And if anything threatens her, I'll lose it. I have literally punched my cat in the head for hissing at her (he's okay, of course). You don't think clearly, you just react. My mom said that now that I'm older, the instinct isn't as strong for her. But, since Dahlia is only six months, it's still very strong. I think I would probably rip someone's face off for her. It can be a scary feeling and a sick feeling, but completely natural. What are your experiences with the motherly instinct? Men, have you experienced anything similar? Leave your responses in the comments below!

If Fairy Tales Were Real (and Modern)

Fairy tales are great for kids. They can teach them lessons about life and they can be entertaining. But, at the same time, they're very unrealistic. While I wouldn't suggest reading these to your kids, they might ring a little more true to you.


Sleeping Beauty
Once upon a time there was a woman that fell into a very deep sleep and forgot to lock her doors. A man was walking by and saw her, so he decided to try and wake her. He climbed in through her window and began kissing her. The woman woke up screaming and the next thing he knew, the police were yelling at him to get down on the ground. He was charged with breaking and entering and attempted rape. The end.

Snow White
Once upon a time there was a beautiful woman that lived next door to a very ugly woman. The ugly woman was very jealous of the beautiful woman and was constantly thinking of ways for vengeance. One day, she baked a cake with cyanide and gave it to the beautiful woman. The beautiful woman ate it and died. When the autopsy was performed, they discovered the cyanide and arrested the ugly woman, who spent the rest of her life in jail. The end.

Cinderella
Once upon a time, there lived a girl, her three step-sisters, and her step-mother. One day, the coolest boy in school was hosting a party and all four girls were dying to go. The step-mother allowed the three sisters to go, but told Cinderella she had to stay home and clean. So, the three step-sisters went to the party and Cinderella sat on her bed and cried all night. The end.

Peter Pan
Once upon a time, there was a girl named Wendy asleep in her bedroom. She was woken by a tap on her window. She looked out to see a dirty, crazed looking man gesturing to her to come outside. She began screaming and her parents came running in. Seeing the man, they called the police. The police came and arrested the man, determining he was a pedophile on crack. The end.

Beauty and the Beast
Once upon a time, there was a man that would be considered a social outcast. He didn't have any friends and he never went outside. One day, he saw the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. So, he decided to kidnap her. And she was never heard from again. The end.

Alice in Wonderland
Once upon a time, a girl took acid. It was a really long and really bad trip. The end.

Little Red Riding Hood
Once upon a time, a girl was walking through the woods to get to her grandmother's house. A mountain lion began tracking her, following her all the way to her grandmother's house. Waiting until the little girl and her grandmother were comfortable, the mountain lion jumped through the window and ate both of them. The end.

The Little Boy Who Cried Wolf
Once upon a time, there was a little boy playing outside. He was pretty bored, so he decided to yell to everyone a wolf was trying to eat him. All the people within earshot came running, his mother included. When the people got there, the little boy told them the wolf had ran away. Everyone left, grumbling. The little boy did it again, only this time, when he told them the wolf ran away, his mother snatched him up and started spanking him. Then, she told him he was grounded and to go to his room. The end.

5 Creepiest Kid Shows Ever

A lot of shows for children will try to sneak in some jokes for parents to make it tolerable. But, sometimes kids shows are just plain creepy. Here's a list of the five creepiest kid's shows I could find.


Number 5 - Jay Jay the Jet Plane 

Originally airing in 1998, the series was re-released in 2001 and 2005. It features anthropomorphic planes, the main character being Jay Jay. There's just something unsettling about a plane that is self-aware allowing a bunch of humans to board it.



Number 4 -  Lazy Town

I've actually watched this one a few times, and I have to say, it seems like it's more for adults. It began airing in 2004 until around 2012, with a hiatus. It has strong pedophilic overtones; the main character is a young girl (that might be a short adult in real life) named Stephanie that tries to help the citizens of Lazy Town get in shape. The hero is a much older man named Sportacus, that does sports stuff. The villain is another much older man named Robbie Rotten, who does various things to try to spoil Stephanie and Sportacus's plans, but in the creepiest ways possible.





Number 3 - Oobi

Airing from 2004-2007, this is about a family of hands with eyes and hair, the titular character being Oobi, an elementary school hand. The hands speak like cavemen, saying as few words as possible. The way they talk combined with the way they look makes them seem like some sort of giant mutant hand race.





Number 2 - The High Fructose Adventures of Annoying Orange

This is based off of an internet series, so straight off you know it's going to be weird. Nothing normal ever came out of the internet. It aired from 2012 to 2014 and is about a bunch of fruit living in a supermarket. There's one human that can talk to them, but everyone dismisses him as crazy. That part of the concept alone is some dark stuff for a kid's show, but it gets weirder. The fruit face such adversaries as: alien broccoli, zombie vegetables, and an every-now-and-then antagonistic grapefruit. All while that poor human watches in stunned silence.

Number 1 - Boohbah

A British show originally airing from 2003 to 2005, this seems to be kind of similar to Teletubbies, but creepier. First off, the boobah's head/neck area looks like foreskin. They're all different colors and they dance around and say "boobah"and there are bright lights and stuff. But, they're creepy looking and creepy sounding. They also have dolls that look like them in stores.

13 More of the Most Ridiculous Products for Children/Parents

Here's 13 more products that will have you asking, "Why?"

Number 13 - Rockabye Baby! Lullaby Renditions of Nirvana

Playing your baby normal Nirvana will not hurt them. Although, Kurt Cobain is pretty terrible... Nirvana isn't they only band that they've "rendered", though. There are 179 Rockabye Baby! albums, with everything from Queen to Jay-Z. So, for like 20 bucks, your baby can listen to fake Michael Jackson.







Number 12 - HippMama

This is an awesome idea. But, you look like a giant tool wearing it. I think the only way I would get this is if it came in Batman utility belt style.








Number 11 - Intelligender

Look people, if you want to flush $30 away, you can send it to me. Seriously, I'll tell you where to send it.








Number 10 - Poop Alarm

This is a little thingy that sticks in the side of the baby's diaper and makes noise when the baby poops or pees. Let this sink in for a moment. For hundreds of years (or however long diapers have been around), parents have known when their babies need to be changed. They didn't have to pay $40 for an alarm that lets them know when the baby shits. Plus, it's sticking in the diaper, wouldn't it get poo on it?

Number 9 - Potty Time Reminder Watch

Maybe I should just quit writing about potty-training tools since I'm not at that stage with Dahlia yet, but this just seems silly. It's not over-priced or anything. I just feel like if your kid is old enough to use a watch, they should be old enough to remember not to piss themselves. But, like I said, I don't know.






Number 8 - TV Timer BOB

This is another one for those lazy parents out there. A quote from the website, "No more 'Turn off that TV!' arguments." Really? Is this really an argument? There are kids out there arguing with their parents about shutting off the TV? Maybe it's just my mom, but if I had argued with her about it, I would've been spanked and she would have turned the TV off. If I turned it back on, I wouldn't have been surprised if she cut the power cord. If you have control of your kids, you won't have to buy something silly like this.

Number 7 - FingerGuard

What the hell. $75 for a piece of plastic to cover your kids fingers so they don't suck on them anymore. You can get a bottle of hot sauce for like, 2 bucks and you can almost guarantee the kid won't do it too many more times.







Number 6 - Morning Chicness Bags

Now you can vomit into a cute little bag! Are there actually women out there buying this? I can speak from experience, a Big Gulp cup works just as well and is only 79 cents.





Number 5 - Baby Coffee Machine

This is like a little Keurig Single Cup for baby formula. It brews your baby formula. I guess mixing the powder and water is just too pedestrian now. This is big in Switzerland and France, but I'm sure it's just a matter of time before lazy American moms get their hands on it. For roughly $265 USD, I'll stick with my Enfamil powder, thank you.




Number 4 - The Poche Suit

 This is a pair of footie pajamas that has a bunch of little pockets for your hands on it. Notice the father's hands in the picture? I could see how this thing could come in handy, but it seems dangerous and unnecessary. Just carry your kid like a normal person. It's got buttons like a regular pair of footie pajamas. I feel like if the baby slips and the fabric doesn't rip, the buttons will pop open and your kid will crack their head on the ground.

Number 3 - Bacon Baby Infant Formula

An April Fool's joke by J&D's, this product was featured to purchase on quite a few websites and people fell for it. It's not real, but if it were, knowing the stupidity of people, there would be a baby somewhere being fed this stuff. 'Merica.





Number 2 - The Breast Milk Baby - Breastfeeding Doll

Seriously, what the hell, man. This is a baby that suckles when you put it up to this special shirt that has flower nipples on it. Flower nipples. Your daughter (or your son, I guess) would put this to her flower nipple shirt and this fake baby will suckle on it. Ew. I'm not against breastfeeding, but there's just something wrong about this. I can't put it into words, but it's wrong.



Number 1 - MommyMilk Creations

The white hearts are the breast milk.

These are gross. They're pretty, but gross. Pretty gross. Basically, you ship this random person your breast milk and they do some stuff to it and send it back to you in some jewelry. It just creeps me out.

12 Creepiest Toys for Kids or Babies

Sometimes I wonder if toy makers think at all before putting a toy on the market. Some kids will notice the unnerving things about these toys straight off, here's the 12 creepiest toys for kids or babies.

Number 12 - Barbie and Tanner The Dog

On the surface, there's nothing wrong with this. But then you look closer and notice that this playset includes food for Tanner the dog, there's little brown pellets in his bowl. But, then you notice some other brown pellets on the right side of the picture. Tanner is a pooping toy dog. Because Tanner is a pooping toy dog, he can't digest things. Meaning what goes in is the same as what comes out. You literally feed this dog it's shit and it poops it back out. Next thing you know, your kid is running around trying to shove turds in the dog's face. Not good for anyone involved.



Number 11 - Erwin the Little Patient

This thing is actually kind of cute. But, what's up with the huge skin flap? And it's nose is bothersome. Really, it's entire face.









Number 10 - Growing Up Skipper

This was on the market in 1974. You twist her arm one way, she gets taller and boobs spring out. You twist her arm the other way, the boobs disappear and she gets short again. The creepiest part is the lettering on the box: "Cute, little girl!" "Tall, curvy teenager!" I don't even know.







Number 9 - Pre-Chewed Pencils

For real. I have questions. Who chews the pencils? Why don't they have any erasers? Who would pay $1.98 USD (plus shipping) for 4 pencils? (Obviously, this isn't specifically for kids, but cut me some slack.)




Number 8 - Pregnant Barbie

I don't think this is "inappropriate." I think there is no right way to make a pregnant doll, so you just shouldn't do it. It looks weird. But, offensive? No. Just really weird.









Number 7 - Hugo Man of a Thousand Faces

The creepiness of this thing speaks for itself. The dead eyes, hollow cheeks, and hairlessness are too much. It doesn't look any better dressed up, either.




Number 6 - Baby Laugh A Lot

This doll isn't so much visually scary as it is audibly. Just watch.

Number 5 - E.T. Finger Light 

Let's just go ahead and get this out of the way; this looks like a dick. I realize it's old and blah, blah, blah. But, I could not let my kid play with this. I would lose it every time I saw them, then I'd have to explain why I was laughing. It's just too much to get into over a "finger light." How did moms in the 80s deal with their kids wanting this?



Number 4 - Singamajigs

With it's super dilated eyes and suggestively puckered mouth, this could either be someone who just took ecstasy, or someone that died eating a lemon. Either way, it's unsettling. What is the big one doing to the little one? Holding it hostage? They're both screaming, but the little one looks particularly desperate.






Number 3 - Be A Doll

It's as if there's a tiny version of you running around that is, of course, evil. I don't like it. If you had an identical vestigial twin that you just removed, but now it can walk about and commit mischief and it hates you for the way you've treated it over the years, so now it's coming to get you in your sleep - that's this.


Number 2 - Zaky Infant Pillow

Oh man, these are super creepy disembodied hands that are for cradling your infant. Although, it would be kinda cool if they re-marketed it as Thing from the Addams Family.











Number 1 - Face Bank

This is what Nietzsche meant when he said, "And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you." This bank eats your money and your soul. It has a built in heat sensor, so when you put your hand (or anything warm) in front of it, the mouth starts moving. As if it isn't creepy enough without moving parts. See it in action:

Don't feed it your change, that's what it wants!

5 Vintage Medicines that Prove Doctors Hated Children

It used to be that children were supposed to be seen and not heard. Obviously, the doctors of yore really subscribed to that. These vintage medicines prove that doctors felt the only good child was an unconscious one.

Number 5 - Cocaine Toothache Drops

This ad, published in 1885, is for cocaine toothache drops, commonly used for teething children. Nowadays, all we have is Orajel...






Number 4 - Victor Infant's Relief

Introduced in 1910, this "medicine" claims to be for looseness of bowel. It contains Cannabis indica, nitre extract, and chloroform. You ingest it. Chloroform. For your kids.








Number 3 - Stickney and Poor's Pure Paregoric

This product, introduced around 1899, contains alcohol (46%, making it 92 proof) and opium. It has a dosage chart for children as young as five days old. Use of this product and products like it contributed to infant mortality rates. The babies had no hunger pains and they would die from malnutrition. It was called "The Poor Baby's Nurse."


Number 2 - Bayer's Heroin Syrup

The headline reads, "The cough disappears." Running between 1910 and 1912 in Spanish newspapers, these advertisements urged parents to dose children suffering from coughs, colds, and "irritation." So, basically, if your kid is being an asshole, give them some heroin!







Number 1 - Blatz Beer

Published in 1916, this ad espoused the benefits of malt to a breastfeeding baby. "The malt in the beer supplies nourishing qualities that are essential at this time and the hops act as an appetizing, stimulating, tonic." For real. They wanted moms to get drunk and breastfeed their babies.

10 Outfits/Costumes I Must Have For My Daughter

One of the fun things about having a kid is dressing them up. They can't say no, they have to wear whatever you put on them. With that in mind, here are ten outfits and/or costumes I must have for Dahlia.

Number 10 - The Cheshire Cat

I believe this costume is homemade, so I can't buy it, unfortunately. But, oh my god, this is adorable. The baby's expression makes it so much cuter, too. Also, maybe it's just me, but does that look like a giraffe neck in the background?













Number 9 - Chewbacca

This one is probably more suited for a boy, but it is adorable. Bonus points if you can teach your baby to do the wookie call!









Number 8 - Meowth

As a child of the 90's, I loved Poke'mon. I had Poke'mon everything; sheets, clothes, the cards, the games, everything. So, what better than a Poke'baby? Unfortunately, I think this one is homemade, as well.













Number 7 - Alice

Obviously, I love Alice In Wonderland. While Dahlia isn't a blonde, she would still make the perfect Alice, especially in this dress. Now, to find a White Rabbit costume for the cat...





Number 6 - Rosie the Riveter

This one would be a pretty easy DIY and super cute. I've always loved Rosie and I hope to pass that love on to my daughter.









Number 5 - Little Red Riding Hood

Always a classic. And the little wolf is adorable.











Number 4 - Princess Leia

I'm a huge Star Wars fan, so this is right up my alley. So cute, and not as racy as when she's chained to Jabba!









Number 3 - Jackie O

I love Jackie O's style, and this is just adorable. A perfect outfit for a future president or first lady!















Number 2 - Vintage-style Bathing Suit

I love vintage looking clothes, so being able to dress my baby like that is awesome.












Number 1 - Sailor Outfit

Every kid needs a sailor outfit, boy or girl. They're absolutely the cutest. Then, you have an excuse to make them swab the deck!















Have you seen any cuter outfits or costumes? Let me know in the comments below!

Pool Safety and Your Baby

Pool safety is extremely important for your baby, especially if you live in Florida.  In 2008 - 2010, drowning fatalities were 64% of the fatalities for children under the age of 15. These tragedies are totally preventable using protective measures like alarms, gates, and safety covers. But, if you're like me, these products are way out of your price range. If that is the case, techniques have been developed to help your child be safe in the pool. Teaching your child to go completely limp while they're in the pool can prevent them from drowning, as shown in this video:

 When children kick and struggle, they begin to panic and are unable to float. Also, teaching them to swim early on is always helpful.  Here are some simple tips from the government: 

-Always watch your child when they are in or near a pool or spa

• -Teach children basic water safety tips
• -Keep children away from pool drains, pipes and other openings to avoid entrapments
• -Have a portable telephone close by at all times when you or your family are using a pool or spa
• -If a child is missing, look for him or her in the pool or spa first
• -Share safety instructions with family, friends and neighbors
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• Now, we take Dahlia to the pool pretty frequently. She doesn't hate it, but she's definitely not comfortable. It's important to take your baby often so they can become comfortable and don't panic if they do begin to drown. Have any other ideas for pool safety? Leave a comment below!

Helicopter Parenting: Is Coddling Our Kids Helping or Harming?

Things are definitely much different than when I was a kid. Children nowadays get coddled and spoiled. Is it society becoming more technological? Or is crime getting worse, causing parents to tighten leashes (sometimes literally)? Which also begs almost the same question I posed in my post about hot car deaths, is crime actually getting worse or do we just hear about it more readily? This article kind of asks the same questions and brings up some great comparisons of the ways parenting has changed. It also brings up the fact that there really is no longer a sense of community offline anymore. I mean, honestly, how many of you know more than one or two of your neighbors? People don't trust other people as much as they did (probably for good reason). This means we're less likely to let our kids spend the night at a neighbor's house (one that also has children, of course). We're less likely to organize and/or attend a neighborhood block party or barbecue. Kids don't get the same experiences they used to and it makes me wonder if kids today are softer, for lack of a better word. For instance, nowadays, children get awards just for participating. Or the "Anti-Bullying Campaign." This was never around when I was a kid and I don't remember ever hearing about kids committing suicide because of bullying. Granted, bullying is a terrible thing and a child's suicide is an absolute tragedy, but this seems to be a new thing.

Is it because kids do more things online rather than going outdoors and "getting into trouble?" The article I linked to above mentions kids these days aren't allowed to roam around outdoors quite as much as their parents were. You hear in the news all the time how kids are getting kidnapped from their own neighborhoods, parents today don't allow their kids to stray as far as parents in the past used to. There are also tons of products out today that make things...oversafe, I suppose? For example, baby wipe warmers. I mean, for real? Your baby's ass can't be cold for two seconds? And there are baby monitors that have cameras on them! And all sorts of things to baby-proof your house, like toilet latches... What happened to watching your kids to make sure they weren't playing in the toilet? There are also many products to make sure your kids are always entertained and you never have to spend any actual time with them, like TVs in the car, tablets, and smart phones. Are all of these things contributing to a society of sissies? Let's get back to how things were in the TV show The Wonder Years! Kevin learned some valuable life lessons!

To be totally honest, I have a huge crush on the dad!