13 More of the Most Ridiculous Products for Children/Parents

Here's 13 more products that will have you asking, "Why?"

Number 13 - Rockabye Baby! Lullaby Renditions of Nirvana

Playing your baby normal Nirvana will not hurt them. Although, Kurt Cobain is pretty terrible... Nirvana isn't they only band that they've "rendered", though. There are 179 Rockabye Baby! albums, with everything from Queen to Jay-Z. So, for like 20 bucks, your baby can listen to fake Michael Jackson.







Number 12 - HippMama

This is an awesome idea. But, you look like a giant tool wearing it. I think the only way I would get this is if it came in Batman utility belt style.








Number 11 - Intelligender

Look people, if you want to flush $30 away, you can send it to me. Seriously, I'll tell you where to send it.








Number 10 - Poop Alarm

This is a little thingy that sticks in the side of the baby's diaper and makes noise when the baby poops or pees. Let this sink in for a moment. For hundreds of years (or however long diapers have been around), parents have known when their babies need to be changed. They didn't have to pay $40 for an alarm that lets them know when the baby shits. Plus, it's sticking in the diaper, wouldn't it get poo on it?

Number 9 - Potty Time Reminder Watch

Maybe I should just quit writing about potty-training tools since I'm not at that stage with Dahlia yet, but this just seems silly. It's not over-priced or anything. I just feel like if your kid is old enough to use a watch, they should be old enough to remember not to piss themselves. But, like I said, I don't know.






Number 8 - TV Timer BOB

This is another one for those lazy parents out there. A quote from the website, "No more 'Turn off that TV!' arguments." Really? Is this really an argument? There are kids out there arguing with their parents about shutting off the TV? Maybe it's just my mom, but if I had argued with her about it, I would've been spanked and she would have turned the TV off. If I turned it back on, I wouldn't have been surprised if she cut the power cord. If you have control of your kids, you won't have to buy something silly like this.

Number 7 - FingerGuard

What the hell. $75 for a piece of plastic to cover your kids fingers so they don't suck on them anymore. You can get a bottle of hot sauce for like, 2 bucks and you can almost guarantee the kid won't do it too many more times.







Number 6 - Morning Chicness Bags

Now you can vomit into a cute little bag! Are there actually women out there buying this? I can speak from experience, a Big Gulp cup works just as well and is only 79 cents.





Number 5 - Baby Coffee Machine

This is like a little Keurig Single Cup for baby formula. It brews your baby formula. I guess mixing the powder and water is just too pedestrian now. This is big in Switzerland and France, but I'm sure it's just a matter of time before lazy American moms get their hands on it. For roughly $265 USD, I'll stick with my Enfamil powder, thank you.




Number 4 - The Poche Suit

 This is a pair of footie pajamas that has a bunch of little pockets for your hands on it. Notice the father's hands in the picture? I could see how this thing could come in handy, but it seems dangerous and unnecessary. Just carry your kid like a normal person. It's got buttons like a regular pair of footie pajamas. I feel like if the baby slips and the fabric doesn't rip, the buttons will pop open and your kid will crack their head on the ground.

Number 3 - Bacon Baby Infant Formula

An April Fool's joke by J&D's, this product was featured to purchase on quite a few websites and people fell for it. It's not real, but if it were, knowing the stupidity of people, there would be a baby somewhere being fed this stuff. 'Merica.





Number 2 - The Breast Milk Baby - Breastfeeding Doll

Seriously, what the hell, man. This is a baby that suckles when you put it up to this special shirt that has flower nipples on it. Flower nipples. Your daughter (or your son, I guess) would put this to her flower nipple shirt and this fake baby will suckle on it. Ew. I'm not against breastfeeding, but there's just something wrong about this. I can't put it into words, but it's wrong.



Number 1 - MommyMilk Creations

The white hearts are the breast milk.

These are gross. They're pretty, but gross. Pretty gross. Basically, you ship this random person your breast milk and they do some stuff to it and send it back to you in some jewelry. It just creeps me out.

5 More Things I Learned as a New Mom

As the saying goes, you learn something new everyday. This is especially true when you're a new mom. So, here are five more things I've learned as a new mom.

Number 5 - You Never Get Tired of That Smile

No matter how sleepy you are, you never get tired of your babies smile. You could be ready to rip your eyes out from exhaustion, but when that baby smiles, so do you. And, surprisingly, it will make you feel better, sometimes.



Number 4 - Sizes Don't Matter

Get your mind out of the gutter, I'm talking about clothes! The sizes listed on those labels don't mean a thing. Your baby can simultaneously fit in a 3 month onesie and a 9 month onesie, when they're 6 months old. A size 3M in Garanimals is comparable to a 6M in Carter's. Why all baby clothing makers can't stick to the same size charts is beyond me, but this means you can't box up all your baby's 3M clothes just because they're now in mostly 6M. And don't even get me started on 0-3M, 6-9M, they've got all sorts, it's ridiculous. The only real way to gauge is to either stick it on the baby, or compare it to something you know fits well. The other really irritating thing is the ones that say 24M, etc. The baby isn't 24 months, it's 2 for Christ's sake. And what the hell is the difference between 24M and 2T, anyway?

Number 3 - Something that Fit Yesterday Doesn't Fit Today

The picture on the right was taken two days after the picture on the left.

This can be upsetting. You've got an outfit that looks so cute and fits perfectly, and then one day you put it on and it's pulling too tightly in one place or another. Babies grow so quickly that something they were just wearing no longer fits. Then you go through the cycle of looking through all of the other clothes to see what fits and what doesn't.








Number 2 - Laundry, Laundry, Laundry

I change my daughter's outfit approximately 5 times a day. I change my own clothes (due to vomit) probably at least 3 times a day. Then there's towels for bath time, the normal day to day laundry, and whatever else she's pooped, peed, puked, or drooled on in the meantime. That all adds up to about 2 loads of laundry a day, if I don't pack the washer full. If I spend say 30 minutes a day doing laundry, that's what, 3 1/2 hours a week? Wasted. On laundry.




Number 1 - You Can Never Have Enough Wipes/Diapers

If your diaper and wipe arsenal isn't fully stocked, you could be in trouble. There have been a few times that I've thought I had diapers or wipes and reached for empty air. I'll admit, Dahlia has worn one of those little swimmer diapers while I ran up to the store to get proper ones. You really can't ever have enough of either. If you're at the store and you think you need them, you do. Get them.

First Post Ever: 10 Things I Learned as a New Mom

To start my blog off, I thought I would make a top ten list. My daughter, Dahlia, is 5 months old and I'm a first time mom. I've learned many things about myself and life in general since I donned my first pair of mom jeans; some sappy, some funny, and of course, some scary. Here's just a few:

Number 10 - Immunity to nasty things

Having a child raises your gross tolerance exponentially. I can change a diaper, get poop on my finger, wipe it off, and move on. Before, I would have immediately went to wash my hands. I've become so desensitized, I actually caught cat vomit in my hand once (he was going to puke on the bed). Having baby puke in your hair will change your outlook on life.







Number 9 -  Girls have adorable clothes 

Truth time. I wanted a boy. So, it was hard for me to get into girl mode when it came to clothes. The first couple of outfits I bought for Dahlia could've been considered unisex. When I went to the store, I would automatically gravitate towards the boy section and have to remind myself that the baby was a girl. I thought I would never like anything that she could wear, but surprisingly, that changed, too. While my tastes have a more retro vibe, I've came to terms with Dahlia's gender and the clothes that go with it.




Number 8 - No sleep? No big deal.
 I LOVE sleep. In Life Before Dahlia (henceforth known as LBD), I could sleep for 14 hours and still want to sleep longer. The first night after she was born, in the hospital, I realized just how little sleep humans need. After the 20 hours of labor, silly me didn't want the nurses to keep Dahlia in the nursery. I had to have my new baby with me. I think I got two hours of sleep that night. One of the most valuable lessons I've learned thus far? Sleep when the baby sleeps. I heard people tell me that in LBD and I just shrugged it off. But, it is the best piece of advice I have received.

Number 7 - Paranoia is a real thing

I think this is one of the worst things about being a new mom. You'll be lying there in bed, the baby in the crib, but you can't sleep because you are absolutely certain that the baby quit breathing. So, you get up, check, and of course, baby is still breathing. Whenever someone picks her up, I think they're going to drop her. Everyone is sick and contagious. There are kidnappers everywhere. Moms are paranoid about everything. I think this is one of those things that eases off with time, but never completely goes away.



Number 6 - The ability to tune anything out

You've seen this before. You're in a restaurant trying to enjoy your meal, when some set of asshole parents are just letting their little spawn scream. You think, " Don't they hear that?" The answer? No. They don't. As a stay at home mom, if I didn't learn to tune out screaming every once in a while, I would never shower or eat. Sometimes, babies cry for pretty much no reason. If there's nothing that can be done (i.e, feeding, diaper changing), you learn to tune them out to keep your sanity.

Number 5 - How much fun you have

If you would have told me a year ago that I could have fun with a baby, I might have laughed at you. But, sure enough, babies are fun as hell! Watching them discover all the new things around them is pretty entertaining. Making them taste things like lemons is also equally hilarious. I could spend hours making funny faces at her and watching her laugh. That's another thing, babies have THE cutest laughs.

Number 4 - Becoming Betty Crocker

In LBD, I wasn't exactly considered domesticated. Sure, I could cook and clean, but I wasn't in the running for Housewife of the Year. I had a job and worked 5 days a week. When I got home, I didn't feel like cooking dinner. But, becoming a stay at home mom changed all of that. Now, I want to look for new recipes and color swatches for new drapes. I could see myself being on the PTA and making Halloween costumes, ones that are more complicated than cutting two holes in a sheet. Becoming a mother makes you look forward to all of those little things like tying shoe laces and throwing birthday parties that don't feature liquor as the main course.


Number 3 - Paying attention to current events

I was never one for the news. I've always felt that I shouldn't become upset about something that I have no control over and the news is almost always upsetting. But now, I find myself reading articles about kidnappers and the recent string of hot-car deaths. Having a child made me more aware of the terrible things that happen to children in the world. Of course, watching the news also lends to the paranoia!




Number 2 - Patience

I almost made this number one because if there is anything I have learned, it's patience. In LBD, I wouldn't have tolerated someone screaming at me, puking on me, and then making me clean up their poop. But, patience is a virtue that I have finally gotten a little of.







Number 1 - Love

I never knew that I could love someone as much as I love Dahlia. Of course, I love my family and Dahlia's father, but that's a different kind of love, somehow. To love someone as fiercely and almost insanely as I love Dahlia is an entirely new experience. To be willing to give your life for another, that's some intense love.





Well, this concludes my very first post! I hope everyone enjoyed reading it enough to share it (hint, hint)! If anyone has anything to add to the list, feel free to comment below, and please stick around for more posts!