15 Most Ridiculous Products for Children/Parents

Some of the products in the list were created because of laziness, some to be more efficient, and some out of just plain vanity, but all are ridiculous and unnecessary (and a few are particularly disgusting). This goes to show that John Bridges was right when he said, "A fool and his money are soon parted." If, god forbid, you wish to buy any of these very real products, clicking the title will lead you right to the product page.

Number 15 - Baba Buddy

This kid looks super happy.

I'm just going to say it, this is for lazy moms. If you don't have multiple children to bottle feed all at once, there is no reason for this. I'll admit, I have propped a blanket under Dahlia's bottle a few times so I could do something or other, but you shouldn't be doing this enough to warrant an actual thingy! That aside, what if they choke? And, it's $30.00!! I don't want anyone to think I'm judging (like I said, I've propped bottles, believe me), but little babies need to eat about every two hours, older about every four, etc. It's not like they eat, then an hour later start screaming for food again (not all the time, anyway). So, you can plan your life around feeding your child. I mean, are you honestly so busy that you can't set aside the 30-45 minutes it takes to do that? Maybe you are, I don't know anyone's life. I just know I plan my day according to Dahlia, because that's what parents do.

Number 14 - Peekaru

If Kane and the Chestburster became friends.

This is a great idea, but you look ridiculous wearing it. I guess the company is going for the whole kangaroo thing, but instead it just looks like you're trying to smuggle a child that managed to chew it's way out of your sweater. You're paying $65.00 to look silly. I can get one of Ben's hoodies and cut a hole right there for free!

Number 13 - Baby Lasso

This thing just makes it easier for the kid to kick you in the boobs repeatedly. Why would anyone buy this? It's $10.00! You could just get a scarf and tie it to the baby's ankles, if you really wanted to.  I just don't know what else to say, it's senseless.

Number 12 - Peter Potty

First off, Peter Potty! hahahahahahaha Please tell me they did that on purpose! Anyway, I don't know really anything about potty training boys, but it seems to me like the toilet would be fine. Maybe there's more clean-up involved. I have no clue. Unfortunately, the real Peter Potty is discontinued, but they replaced it with a penguin, because apparently pissing into a penguin is better. Just never take your kid to the zoo. 

Number 11 - The Daddle

Sexual connotations aside (look at the reviews if it isn't immediately obvious to you), by the time Dad gets this damn thing strapped on, the kid will have found something else to do. And it's useless once they grow up, you can't strap it to a real horse. Also, it's $45.00. I suppose it could be a cute gag gift, but an expensive one.

Number 10 - Baby by Tous

Baby. Perfume. What the hell. Just give your baby a bath, people! And at $40.00 a bottle, it's more expensive than my perfume! 

Number 9 - Time Out Pad

See, this just turns time out into a game. It's pressure sensitive and has an alarm in case your kid moves. If they were smart enough, they could pull an Indiana Jones, rendering the time out pad ineffective. Maybe that's why it's no longer available? But, like the Peter Potty, they have other versions available.

Number 8 - Nosefrida

Ew. While I'm sure this is super effective, it looks absolutely disgusting. What if snot goes in your mouth? I would probably puke on the baby. Anything that could possibly lead to a Stand By Me pie-eating contest situation is never good. Plus, babies hate nasal aspirators. One that looks like a straw may foster an unhealthy fear and/or hatred of straws. How would your child enjoy milkshakes?

Number 7 - Why Cry

I don't even know where to begin, I guess that old reliable complaint- price. This damn thing is $80.00! To tell you why a baby, that only cries for like four reasons (pain, hunger, exhaustion, diaper), is crying. Outrageous. If you check all of these things by burping your baby, feeding them, or changing them, and they're still crying, let them cry. Sometimes, they just need to cry it out. By constantly picking them up and trying to soothe them, you're coddling and spoiling them.

Number 6 - Heelarious

I shit you not, these are heels for your baby. Granted, the heels collapse under weight, they're meant for 0-6 month olds, not walking. But, I feel like everyone's in too much of a hurry to grow up. Babies don't need high heels (especially slutty-looking ones), they should be wearing little booties and socks, just being cute! On the website, the heels themselves are "retired styles," but they do have some cowboy boots that, admittedly, are awfully cute.

Number 5 - Babikinis

Another case of parents not dressing kids age appropriately, these are bikinis for your baby. The smallest size is for 7-12 month olds. I'm not sure when I feel bikinis are appropriate, honestly, but I definitely know it's not one year old or under. And, again, more expensive than my own, going for around $30.

Number 4 - The Windi

From the same people that made the snot sucker, you stick this up your baby's butt. The people at FridaBaby are just out to traumatize your children by sticking things in their orifices. But, for real, is your baby's gas really that bad? I truly hope the people purchasing this product are first trying things differently on the other end of the baby before sticking things willy-nilly up their kid's ass. They make gas-reducing bottles and formula, and there's always burping! I mean, sticking anything up anyone's butt should always be the absolute last resort, after all other options have been exhausted. A good rule of thumb for babies; if you wouldn't like it done to you, they wouldn't like it done to them. And sometimes, even if you do like it, they don't. So, putting anything in a baby's butt (especially if it's "long enough to reach past the muscle that prevents the release of the gas"), is the last thing you should be doing.

Number 3 - Kickbee
In the rankings for most useless yet annoying product, this one is high up there. This thing sends a "tweet" every time your baby kicks you. Holy shit, if I had had this when I was pregnant, it would've been constantly tweeting. It's even got options to send text messages every time the baby kicks. Who would even want to know?? I mean, when I was pregnant, I didn't call Ben every time Dahlia kicked me and I didn't come home and say, "She kicked me 107 times today." Who does that?

Number 2 - Baby Bangs

I've found a lot of products on this list have me asking, "why?" But, this one in particular has me perplexed. Why in the world would you do this to your child? I'll be the first one to say that bald babies can be kind of ugly, but they'll grow out of it! Plus, it's $30. What are you going to tell your kid when they get older? "Sorry, Suzie, you were actually born bald. You were just so damn ugly we had to get you a wig." Why, America? Why?

Number 1 - Placenta Teddy Bear

This is possibly one of the most disgusting things ever. Obviously, it's a DIY project. The product that you purchase (other than the ingredients needed), is this book of crafts for kids. It's supposed to be a "sustainable" toy for your kid, as in environmentally friendly. Would you really want your kids to play with this? Better yet, would you really want to build this? Here's an outline of the instructions: "The placenta must be cut in half and rubbed with sea salt to cure it. After it is dried out, it is treated with an emulsifying mixture of tannin and egg yolk to make it soft and pliable. Then, you craft it into a teddy bear." Eeeww.

5 Vintage Medicines that Prove Doctors Hated Children

It used to be that children were supposed to be seen and not heard. Obviously, the doctors of yore really subscribed to that. These vintage medicines prove that doctors felt the only good child was an unconscious one.

Number 5 - Cocaine Toothache Drops

This ad, published in 1885, is for cocaine toothache drops, commonly used for teething children. Nowadays, all we have is Orajel...






Number 4 - Victor Infant's Relief

Introduced in 1910, this "medicine" claims to be for looseness of bowel. It contains Cannabis indica, nitre extract, and chloroform. You ingest it. Chloroform. For your kids.








Number 3 - Stickney and Poor's Pure Paregoric

This product, introduced around 1899, contains alcohol (46%, making it 92 proof) and opium. It has a dosage chart for children as young as five days old. Use of this product and products like it contributed to infant mortality rates. The babies had no hunger pains and they would die from malnutrition. It was called "The Poor Baby's Nurse."


Number 2 - Bayer's Heroin Syrup

The headline reads, "The cough disappears." Running between 1910 and 1912 in Spanish newspapers, these advertisements urged parents to dose children suffering from coughs, colds, and "irritation." So, basically, if your kid is being an asshole, give them some heroin!







Number 1 - Blatz Beer

Published in 1916, this ad espoused the benefits of malt to a breastfeeding baby. "The malt in the beer supplies nourishing qualities that are essential at this time and the hops act as an appetizing, stimulating, tonic." For real. They wanted moms to get drunk and breastfeed their babies.

5 More Things I Learned as a New Mom

As the saying goes, you learn something new everyday. This is especially true when you're a new mom. So, here are five more things I've learned as a new mom.

Number 5 - You Never Get Tired of That Smile

No matter how sleepy you are, you never get tired of your babies smile. You could be ready to rip your eyes out from exhaustion, but when that baby smiles, so do you. And, surprisingly, it will make you feel better, sometimes.



Number 4 - Sizes Don't Matter

Get your mind out of the gutter, I'm talking about clothes! The sizes listed on those labels don't mean a thing. Your baby can simultaneously fit in a 3 month onesie and a 9 month onesie, when they're 6 months old. A size 3M in Garanimals is comparable to a 6M in Carter's. Why all baby clothing makers can't stick to the same size charts is beyond me, but this means you can't box up all your baby's 3M clothes just because they're now in mostly 6M. And don't even get me started on 0-3M, 6-9M, they've got all sorts, it's ridiculous. The only real way to gauge is to either stick it on the baby, or compare it to something you know fits well. The other really irritating thing is the ones that say 24M, etc. The baby isn't 24 months, it's 2 for Christ's sake. And what the hell is the difference between 24M and 2T, anyway?

Number 3 - Something that Fit Yesterday Doesn't Fit Today

The picture on the right was taken two days after the picture on the left.

This can be upsetting. You've got an outfit that looks so cute and fits perfectly, and then one day you put it on and it's pulling too tightly in one place or another. Babies grow so quickly that something they were just wearing no longer fits. Then you go through the cycle of looking through all of the other clothes to see what fits and what doesn't.








Number 2 - Laundry, Laundry, Laundry

I change my daughter's outfit approximately 5 times a day. I change my own clothes (due to vomit) probably at least 3 times a day. Then there's towels for bath time, the normal day to day laundry, and whatever else she's pooped, peed, puked, or drooled on in the meantime. That all adds up to about 2 loads of laundry a day, if I don't pack the washer full. If I spend say 30 minutes a day doing laundry, that's what, 3 1/2 hours a week? Wasted. On laundry.




Number 1 - You Can Never Have Enough Wipes/Diapers

If your diaper and wipe arsenal isn't fully stocked, you could be in trouble. There have been a few times that I've thought I had diapers or wipes and reached for empty air. I'll admit, Dahlia has worn one of those little swimmer diapers while I ran up to the store to get proper ones. You really can't ever have enough of either. If you're at the store and you think you need them, you do. Get them.

Animals and Your Baby

When Dahlia was first born, I was nervous about her being around the animals. You always think about all sorts of terrible things that can happen. Like the old wive's tale about cats stealing the baby's breath. Or maybe the dog will just bite her face off. The cat is going to sit on her and suffocate her. The dog is going to put a paw through her skull. You'll think about all of these awful things and convince yourself they're going to happen. But, eventually you'll relax. You'll realize the animals aren't trying to kill her and calm down, maybe even let them cuddle together. I believe it's beneficial to children to be around animals, anyway. It makes them more comfortable and fosters a love for animals. Although I have to watch Dahlia closely when she's cuddling with the cats, they both twist into so many crazy positions, she sometimes strays too closely to butthole zone!  But, she loves them and is fascinated by them. She pets the cats when they lay next to her and always laughs when the dogs lick her. She follows them with her eyes and just stares at them. Soon she'll be crawling around after them! So, if you watch your baby, having animals in the house isn't a problem and can even be a benefit.

10 Outfits/Costumes I Must Have For My Daughter

One of the fun things about having a kid is dressing them up. They can't say no, they have to wear whatever you put on them. With that in mind, here are ten outfits and/or costumes I must have for Dahlia.

Number 10 - The Cheshire Cat

I believe this costume is homemade, so I can't buy it, unfortunately. But, oh my god, this is adorable. The baby's expression makes it so much cuter, too. Also, maybe it's just me, but does that look like a giraffe neck in the background?













Number 9 - Chewbacca

This one is probably more suited for a boy, but it is adorable. Bonus points if you can teach your baby to do the wookie call!









Number 8 - Meowth

As a child of the 90's, I loved Poke'mon. I had Poke'mon everything; sheets, clothes, the cards, the games, everything. So, what better than a Poke'baby? Unfortunately, I think this one is homemade, as well.













Number 7 - Alice

Obviously, I love Alice In Wonderland. While Dahlia isn't a blonde, she would still make the perfect Alice, especially in this dress. Now, to find a White Rabbit costume for the cat...





Number 6 - Rosie the Riveter

This one would be a pretty easy DIY and super cute. I've always loved Rosie and I hope to pass that love on to my daughter.









Number 5 - Little Red Riding Hood

Always a classic. And the little wolf is adorable.











Number 4 - Princess Leia

I'm a huge Star Wars fan, so this is right up my alley. So cute, and not as racy as when she's chained to Jabba!









Number 3 - Jackie O

I love Jackie O's style, and this is just adorable. A perfect outfit for a future president or first lady!















Number 2 - Vintage-style Bathing Suit

I love vintage looking clothes, so being able to dress my baby like that is awesome.












Number 1 - Sailor Outfit

Every kid needs a sailor outfit, boy or girl. They're absolutely the cutest. Then, you have an excuse to make them swab the deck!















Have you seen any cuter outfits or costumes? Let me know in the comments below!

Pool Safety and Your Baby

Pool safety is extremely important for your baby, especially if you live in Florida.  In 2008 - 2010, drowning fatalities were 64% of the fatalities for children under the age of 15. These tragedies are totally preventable using protective measures like alarms, gates, and safety covers. But, if you're like me, these products are way out of your price range. If that is the case, techniques have been developed to help your child be safe in the pool. Teaching your child to go completely limp while they're in the pool can prevent them from drowning, as shown in this video:

 When children kick and struggle, they begin to panic and are unable to float. Also, teaching them to swim early on is always helpful.  Here are some simple tips from the government: 

-Always watch your child when they are in or near a pool or spa

• -Teach children basic water safety tips
• -Keep children away from pool drains, pipes and other openings to avoid entrapments
• -Have a portable telephone close by at all times when you or your family are using a pool or spa
• -If a child is missing, look for him or her in the pool or spa first
• -Share safety instructions with family, friends and neighbors
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• Now, we take Dahlia to the pool pretty frequently. She doesn't hate it, but she's definitely not comfortable. It's important to take your baby often so they can become comfortable and don't panic if they do begin to drown. Have any other ideas for pool safety? Leave a comment below!

Helicopter Parenting: Is Coddling Our Kids Helping or Harming?

Things are definitely much different than when I was a kid. Children nowadays get coddled and spoiled. Is it society becoming more technological? Or is crime getting worse, causing parents to tighten leashes (sometimes literally)? Which also begs almost the same question I posed in my post about hot car deaths, is crime actually getting worse or do we just hear about it more readily? This article kind of asks the same questions and brings up some great comparisons of the ways parenting has changed. It also brings up the fact that there really is no longer a sense of community offline anymore. I mean, honestly, how many of you know more than one or two of your neighbors? People don't trust other people as much as they did (probably for good reason). This means we're less likely to let our kids spend the night at a neighbor's house (one that also has children, of course). We're less likely to organize and/or attend a neighborhood block party or barbecue. Kids don't get the same experiences they used to and it makes me wonder if kids today are softer, for lack of a better word. For instance, nowadays, children get awards just for participating. Or the "Anti-Bullying Campaign." This was never around when I was a kid and I don't remember ever hearing about kids committing suicide because of bullying. Granted, bullying is a terrible thing and a child's suicide is an absolute tragedy, but this seems to be a new thing.

Is it because kids do more things online rather than going outdoors and "getting into trouble?" The article I linked to above mentions kids these days aren't allowed to roam around outdoors quite as much as their parents were. You hear in the news all the time how kids are getting kidnapped from their own neighborhoods, parents today don't allow their kids to stray as far as parents in the past used to. There are also tons of products out today that make things...oversafe, I suppose? For example, baby wipe warmers. I mean, for real? Your baby's ass can't be cold for two seconds? And there are baby monitors that have cameras on them! And all sorts of things to baby-proof your house, like toilet latches... What happened to watching your kids to make sure they weren't playing in the toilet? There are also many products to make sure your kids are always entertained and you never have to spend any actual time with them, like TVs in the car, tablets, and smart phones. Are all of these things contributing to a society of sissies? Let's get back to how things were in the TV show The Wonder Years! Kevin learned some valuable life lessons!

To be totally honest, I have a huge crush on the dad!