I'm Still Alive!

     

Hey everyone, sorry for my absence. A few days turned into a month before I knew it! So, this is just an update post to get back into the groove of things. Dahlia is a little terror now. She's got two teeth in already and two more about to break through. She tears up the house in her walker and has all the animals living in fear. She's also been sleeping through the night for a while and is on a pretty tight schedule. We started her on baby food about a month ago and she's doing really well. Surprisingly, vegetables are her favorite, but she isn't very fond of fruit. I've also noticed that she no longer blindly trusts me. Instead of just opening her mouth for the spoon, she now taste-tests everything on the tip of her tongue before she'll eat it. She likes those little Gerber Graduates puffs, especially. I would say 80% of my day is spent picking those up from the floor.We're getting all geared up for Halloween and I think she's enjoying it (though it's hard to tell in an almost 8 month old). We got her costume the other night, she's going to be a pink bunny. I got bunny ears, as well, so we'll match! We also carved pumpkins. I got a giant one for Ben and me and a tiny one for her. I actually managed to carve the tiny one, too. She seemed to like looking at them all lit up.
      In other news, we recently left her with a friend to babysit for the first time. We went to see ICP and Three 6 Mafia, so we were gone for a few hours. About 2 or 3 hours in, I texted to see if everything was all right. She said Dahlia was being a little fussy. I had figured she would've been asleep by then (like I said, tight schedule), but she was very much awake. Our friend is about eight months pregnant and it was late, so we asked Ben's mom if she would go pick Dahlia up. We get home about two hours later and Dahlia is still awake, fussing. She finally went to sleep a few minutes after we got home, but now her schedule is all messed up. Keeping her awake hasn't seemed to get her back on track, so I'm kind of just hoping she'll just work it out herself. Any moms have advice on this?
    Well, thanks for coming back and (hopefully) forgiving me for my hiatus! I'll try to post somewhat regularly again, you just get into slumps sometimes, ya know?

Motherly Instinct

Motherly instinct is a crazy thing. It's something that you don't truly understand until you've experienced it, and it can be hard to explain. All animals have it, hence the expression, "never get between a mama bear and her cubs." Whenever your child is in the slightest amount of danger, you get this hot, sick, tight ball in the pit of your stomach. Once, when she slipped a little bit in Ben's hands, I almost vomited, I had to sit down. And if anything threatens her, I'll lose it. I have literally punched my cat in the head for hissing at her (he's okay, of course). You don't think clearly, you just react. My mom said that now that I'm older, the instinct isn't as strong for her. But, since Dahlia is only six months, it's still very strong. I think I would probably rip someone's face off for her. It can be a scary feeling and a sick feeling, but completely natural. What are your experiences with the motherly instinct? Men, have you experienced anything similar? Leave your responses in the comments below!

13 Adult Jokes Hidden in Kid Shows

Cartoon makers will sometimes slip dirty jokes into kid shows so that parents watching aren't completely bored. Here are thirteen examples of such, some in older shows, some in new, and one from a movie. I tried not too include too many that were the same shows, but it happens.

Number 13 - The Powerpuff Girls

"It's okay, Professor. I was an accident, too."














Number 12 - Spongebob Squarepants

Spongebob just got caught watching sea-porn.

"I was just looking for the sports channel, Gary!"  


































Number 11 - Rocko's Modern Life

The sign says: Remember Be hot Be naughty Be courteous

In a show riddled with sexual innuendo and dirty jokes that kids never get, this scene ranks up there with the dirtiest of the dirty. Rocko becomes a sex phone operator.


































Number 10 - Rugrats

This is definitely a circumcision joke.



















Number 9 - Rugrats, again

Grandpa watches freaky space porn when the kids go to bed.























Number 8 - Freakazoid

Grammatical errors aside, that's a penis joke.



















Number 7 - Animaniacs

Is it just me, or does Prince look disappointed?

Number 6 - Ed, Edd n Eddy

They are definitely looking at porn surrounded by used tissues.

















Number 5 - Robots

"Making the baby's the fun part."




















Number 4 - Dexter's Laboratory 

"Okay, but it's 50 bucks extra." Dexter hires a prostitute to pretend to be his sister. Kind of dirty on two levels, now that I think about it...





















Number 3 - Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends

In this episode, they're speaking of displaying a literal bust (a statue of someone from the shoulders up) when Bloo says this.














Number 2 - Johnny Bravo

"This is so much fun! I can't remember the last time I was blindfolded... Oh. Wait...yes I do." This show had it's fair share of sexual innuendos, but here's a memorable one hinting at BDSM.





















Number 1 - Regular Show

I'd look like that, too, if I had just drank unicorn ejaculate.

Another one rife with adult jokes, this one was particularly gross. In this episode, there's a bunch of mischevious unicorns, one dressed like Alex from A Clockwork Orange. First, they tell Mordecai their "slobber" is magical and can help him attract the attention of his crush. You never see them spit into anything, but they hand him a cup of sparkly "slobber" and tell him to drink it. Honestly, it doesn't even really sound like he's saying slobber, that's just the closest approximation. Anyway, after they get him to drink it, they have him slick back his hair with it, There's Something About Mary - style, giggling and laughing throughout the whole thing.

If Fairy Tales Were Real (and Modern)

Fairy tales are great for kids. They can teach them lessons about life and they can be entertaining. But, at the same time, they're very unrealistic. While I wouldn't suggest reading these to your kids, they might ring a little more true to you.


Sleeping Beauty
Once upon a time there was a woman that fell into a very deep sleep and forgot to lock her doors. A man was walking by and saw her, so he decided to try and wake her. He climbed in through her window and began kissing her. The woman woke up screaming and the next thing he knew, the police were yelling at him to get down on the ground. He was charged with breaking and entering and attempted rape. The end.

Snow White
Once upon a time there was a beautiful woman that lived next door to a very ugly woman. The ugly woman was very jealous of the beautiful woman and was constantly thinking of ways for vengeance. One day, she baked a cake with cyanide and gave it to the beautiful woman. The beautiful woman ate it and died. When the autopsy was performed, they discovered the cyanide and arrested the ugly woman, who spent the rest of her life in jail. The end.

Cinderella
Once upon a time, there lived a girl, her three step-sisters, and her step-mother. One day, the coolest boy in school was hosting a party and all four girls were dying to go. The step-mother allowed the three sisters to go, but told Cinderella she had to stay home and clean. So, the three step-sisters went to the party and Cinderella sat on her bed and cried all night. The end.

Peter Pan
Once upon a time, there was a girl named Wendy asleep in her bedroom. She was woken by a tap on her window. She looked out to see a dirty, crazed looking man gesturing to her to come outside. She began screaming and her parents came running in. Seeing the man, they called the police. The police came and arrested the man, determining he was a pedophile on crack. The end.

Beauty and the Beast
Once upon a time, there was a man that would be considered a social outcast. He didn't have any friends and he never went outside. One day, he saw the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. So, he decided to kidnap her. And she was never heard from again. The end.

Alice in Wonderland
Once upon a time, a girl took acid. It was a really long and really bad trip. The end.

Little Red Riding Hood
Once upon a time, a girl was walking through the woods to get to her grandmother's house. A mountain lion began tracking her, following her all the way to her grandmother's house. Waiting until the little girl and her grandmother were comfortable, the mountain lion jumped through the window and ate both of them. The end.

The Little Boy Who Cried Wolf
Once upon a time, there was a little boy playing outside. He was pretty bored, so he decided to yell to everyone a wolf was trying to eat him. All the people within earshot came running, his mother included. When the people got there, the little boy told them the wolf had ran away. Everyone left, grumbling. The little boy did it again, only this time, when he told them the wolf ran away, his mother snatched him up and started spanking him. Then, she told him he was grounded and to go to his room. The end.

5 Creepiest Kid Shows Ever

A lot of shows for children will try to sneak in some jokes for parents to make it tolerable. But, sometimes kids shows are just plain creepy. Here's a list of the five creepiest kid's shows I could find.


Number 5 - Jay Jay the Jet Plane 

Originally airing in 1998, the series was re-released in 2001 and 2005. It features anthropomorphic planes, the main character being Jay Jay. There's just something unsettling about a plane that is self-aware allowing a bunch of humans to board it.



Number 4 -  Lazy Town

I've actually watched this one a few times, and I have to say, it seems like it's more for adults. It began airing in 2004 until around 2012, with a hiatus. It has strong pedophilic overtones; the main character is a young girl (that might be a short adult in real life) named Stephanie that tries to help the citizens of Lazy Town get in shape. The hero is a much older man named Sportacus, that does sports stuff. The villain is another much older man named Robbie Rotten, who does various things to try to spoil Stephanie and Sportacus's plans, but in the creepiest ways possible.





Number 3 - Oobi

Airing from 2004-2007, this is about a family of hands with eyes and hair, the titular character being Oobi, an elementary school hand. The hands speak like cavemen, saying as few words as possible. The way they talk combined with the way they look makes them seem like some sort of giant mutant hand race.





Number 2 - The High Fructose Adventures of Annoying Orange

This is based off of an internet series, so straight off you know it's going to be weird. Nothing normal ever came out of the internet. It aired from 2012 to 2014 and is about a bunch of fruit living in a supermarket. There's one human that can talk to them, but everyone dismisses him as crazy. That part of the concept alone is some dark stuff for a kid's show, but it gets weirder. The fruit face such adversaries as: alien broccoli, zombie vegetables, and an every-now-and-then antagonistic grapefruit. All while that poor human watches in stunned silence.

Number 1 - Boohbah

A British show originally airing from 2003 to 2005, this seems to be kind of similar to Teletubbies, but creepier. First off, the boobah's head/neck area looks like foreskin. They're all different colors and they dance around and say "boobah"and there are bright lights and stuff. But, they're creepy looking and creepy sounding. They also have dolls that look like them in stores.

Lazy Post - Mom Jeans on Other Sites!

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I'm putting together a decent post, I promise. Life just gets in the way sometimes, you know? Check back tomorrow. So, in light of this, here's a lazy post about Mom Jeans. You can get (a very little bit) more content by liking us on Facebook, following me on Twitter, adding me on Google+, following me on Pinterest , following me on Bloglovin', or adding me on LinkedIn. And, of course, if you haven't already, subscribe! Get to it!

5 More Things I Learned as a New Mom

Here's five more things I learned as a new mom. Pretty soon, I'll have to change the title to just 5 Things I Learned as a Mom!

Number 5 - You're Already Proud of Them

Every little thing they do makes you proud. When they roll over, when they stand, when they babble, everything. Even things they have no control over, like their teeth, are big deals.








Number 4 - If You Don't Like It, Neither Do They

This one is kind of common sense, but it still can take getting used to. If it's too hot for you, it's too hot for them, same with cold. Pretty self-explanatory.






Number 3 - You Don't Need Any Fancy Products

These days, there are all sorts of silly products out there for parents, as I've written twice before. Things to mix formula, to warm wipes, to vibrate and "calm and soothe." None of that stuff is needed. Women in the fifties didn't have any newfangled gadgets, and they did just fine.  While it may be more convenient, it's by no means necessary.




Number 2 - Sometimes They Just Have to Cry It Out

Sometimes, there's just nothing wrong and they're still crying. In that case, it's usually best to just let them cry it out. You may feel guilty about it, but sometimes you have to. For your sanity and for their own good.





Number 1 - If Your Kid Will Play Quietly, Take Advantage!

This is another one you may feel guilty about, but if they will sit there and play quietly by themselves, don't feel bad about going to take a shower, or reading a book, or anything. You need time to you and time alone is good for them, too. A baby will tell you when they have to have attention (and sometimes you have to let them cry), if they aren't begging for it, don't feel guilty about taking time for you.

13 More of the Most Ridiculous Products for Children/Parents

Here's 13 more products that will have you asking, "Why?"

Number 13 - Rockabye Baby! Lullaby Renditions of Nirvana

Playing your baby normal Nirvana will not hurt them. Although, Kurt Cobain is pretty terrible... Nirvana isn't they only band that they've "rendered", though. There are 179 Rockabye Baby! albums, with everything from Queen to Jay-Z. So, for like 20 bucks, your baby can listen to fake Michael Jackson.







Number 12 - HippMama

This is an awesome idea. But, you look like a giant tool wearing it. I think the only way I would get this is if it came in Batman utility belt style.








Number 11 - Intelligender

Look people, if you want to flush $30 away, you can send it to me. Seriously, I'll tell you where to send it.








Number 10 - Poop Alarm

This is a little thingy that sticks in the side of the baby's diaper and makes noise when the baby poops or pees. Let this sink in for a moment. For hundreds of years (or however long diapers have been around), parents have known when their babies need to be changed. They didn't have to pay $40 for an alarm that lets them know when the baby shits. Plus, it's sticking in the diaper, wouldn't it get poo on it?

Number 9 - Potty Time Reminder Watch

Maybe I should just quit writing about potty-training tools since I'm not at that stage with Dahlia yet, but this just seems silly. It's not over-priced or anything. I just feel like if your kid is old enough to use a watch, they should be old enough to remember not to piss themselves. But, like I said, I don't know.






Number 8 - TV Timer BOB

This is another one for those lazy parents out there. A quote from the website, "No more 'Turn off that TV!' arguments." Really? Is this really an argument? There are kids out there arguing with their parents about shutting off the TV? Maybe it's just my mom, but if I had argued with her about it, I would've been spanked and she would have turned the TV off. If I turned it back on, I wouldn't have been surprised if she cut the power cord. If you have control of your kids, you won't have to buy something silly like this.

Number 7 - FingerGuard

What the hell. $75 for a piece of plastic to cover your kids fingers so they don't suck on them anymore. You can get a bottle of hot sauce for like, 2 bucks and you can almost guarantee the kid won't do it too many more times.







Number 6 - Morning Chicness Bags

Now you can vomit into a cute little bag! Are there actually women out there buying this? I can speak from experience, a Big Gulp cup works just as well and is only 79 cents.





Number 5 - Baby Coffee Machine

This is like a little Keurig Single Cup for baby formula. It brews your baby formula. I guess mixing the powder and water is just too pedestrian now. This is big in Switzerland and France, but I'm sure it's just a matter of time before lazy American moms get their hands on it. For roughly $265 USD, I'll stick with my Enfamil powder, thank you.




Number 4 - The Poche Suit

 This is a pair of footie pajamas that has a bunch of little pockets for your hands on it. Notice the father's hands in the picture? I could see how this thing could come in handy, but it seems dangerous and unnecessary. Just carry your kid like a normal person. It's got buttons like a regular pair of footie pajamas. I feel like if the baby slips and the fabric doesn't rip, the buttons will pop open and your kid will crack their head on the ground.

Number 3 - Bacon Baby Infant Formula

An April Fool's joke by J&D's, this product was featured to purchase on quite a few websites and people fell for it. It's not real, but if it were, knowing the stupidity of people, there would be a baby somewhere being fed this stuff. 'Merica.





Number 2 - The Breast Milk Baby - Breastfeeding Doll

Seriously, what the hell, man. This is a baby that suckles when you put it up to this special shirt that has flower nipples on it. Flower nipples. Your daughter (or your son, I guess) would put this to her flower nipple shirt and this fake baby will suckle on it. Ew. I'm not against breastfeeding, but there's just something wrong about this. I can't put it into words, but it's wrong.



Number 1 - MommyMilk Creations

The white hearts are the breast milk.

These are gross. They're pretty, but gross. Pretty gross. Basically, you ship this random person your breast milk and they do some stuff to it and send it back to you in some jewelry. It just creeps me out.

12 Creepiest Toys for Kids or Babies

Sometimes I wonder if toy makers think at all before putting a toy on the market. Some kids will notice the unnerving things about these toys straight off, here's the 12 creepiest toys for kids or babies.

Number 12 - Barbie and Tanner The Dog

On the surface, there's nothing wrong with this. But then you look closer and notice that this playset includes food for Tanner the dog, there's little brown pellets in his bowl. But, then you notice some other brown pellets on the right side of the picture. Tanner is a pooping toy dog. Because Tanner is a pooping toy dog, he can't digest things. Meaning what goes in is the same as what comes out. You literally feed this dog it's shit and it poops it back out. Next thing you know, your kid is running around trying to shove turds in the dog's face. Not good for anyone involved.



Number 11 - Erwin the Little Patient

This thing is actually kind of cute. But, what's up with the huge skin flap? And it's nose is bothersome. Really, it's entire face.









Number 10 - Growing Up Skipper

This was on the market in 1974. You twist her arm one way, she gets taller and boobs spring out. You twist her arm the other way, the boobs disappear and she gets short again. The creepiest part is the lettering on the box: "Cute, little girl!" "Tall, curvy teenager!" I don't even know.







Number 9 - Pre-Chewed Pencils

For real. I have questions. Who chews the pencils? Why don't they have any erasers? Who would pay $1.98 USD (plus shipping) for 4 pencils? (Obviously, this isn't specifically for kids, but cut me some slack.)




Number 8 - Pregnant Barbie

I don't think this is "inappropriate." I think there is no right way to make a pregnant doll, so you just shouldn't do it. It looks weird. But, offensive? No. Just really weird.









Number 7 - Hugo Man of a Thousand Faces

The creepiness of this thing speaks for itself. The dead eyes, hollow cheeks, and hairlessness are too much. It doesn't look any better dressed up, either.




Number 6 - Baby Laugh A Lot

This doll isn't so much visually scary as it is audibly. Just watch.

Number 5 - E.T. Finger Light 

Let's just go ahead and get this out of the way; this looks like a dick. I realize it's old and blah, blah, blah. But, I could not let my kid play with this. I would lose it every time I saw them, then I'd have to explain why I was laughing. It's just too much to get into over a "finger light." How did moms in the 80s deal with their kids wanting this?



Number 4 - Singamajigs

With it's super dilated eyes and suggestively puckered mouth, this could either be someone who just took ecstasy, or someone that died eating a lemon. Either way, it's unsettling. What is the big one doing to the little one? Holding it hostage? They're both screaming, but the little one looks particularly desperate.






Number 3 - Be A Doll

It's as if there's a tiny version of you running around that is, of course, evil. I don't like it. If you had an identical vestigial twin that you just removed, but now it can walk about and commit mischief and it hates you for the way you've treated it over the years, so now it's coming to get you in your sleep - that's this.


Number 2 - Zaky Infant Pillow

Oh man, these are super creepy disembodied hands that are for cradling your infant. Although, it would be kinda cool if they re-marketed it as Thing from the Addams Family.











Number 1 - Face Bank

This is what Nietzsche meant when he said, "And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you." This bank eats your money and your soul. It has a built in heat sensor, so when you put your hand (or anything warm) in front of it, the mouth starts moving. As if it isn't creepy enough without moving parts. See it in action:

Don't feed it your change, that's what it wants!